Eleanor Roosevelt:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
How powerful is that? It surely spoke volumes to me. When I REALLY stop to look fear in the face, I realize that I can overcome every fear with courage, strength and confidence. Kinda reminds me of the story of the Little Engine that Could. Remember him? He went around saying "ithink I can , I think I can," and before he knew it HE COULD! Sometimes we all have to get back to those childhood nursery rhymes to find that courage which our parents instilled in us as young children. I actually like to visit those corners of my memory. There is comfort there.
Similarly, I gain so much confidence and courage and strength from a conversation Bob and I had several months before his death in which I said "Honey, I don't know how I'll ever live without you." and Bob replied without a moments hesitation, " You'll be fine because of your faith and because you are the strongest woman I know." Now how on earth do I even go one minute without being strong and faithfilled and determined? When your spouse and the only man you've ever loved says that, you're in it lock, stock and barrel !
I suspect that Eleanor Roosevelt had quite a distinguished life, but most definately had some tragedies in her life whereby she clung to her thought hard and fast. Being the wife of a high level Army Ofiicer was challenging and required a lot emotion from me. I can't even imagine what being the wife of our country's president must have been like. If I ever had one bad day where I felt like throwing in the towel or throwing my hands up and yelling "forget it," then she had 10. And yet she faced her challenges with grace, honor and diplomacy and in a real ladylike manner. I want to be like her. I want to be remembered by all who know me as a woman who stood by her man, who loved life and exemplified grace, honor and diginity. I want to be the woman who was fair and honest and kind. I want to be a woman who is loved and who always sets the example to do what is right whether I like it or not. I want to be a woman who loved herself enough to lay aside her selfishness and often her vindictiveness to forgive and forget.
If I can live but one day and gain but a thimble full of courage, strength and confidence from such a great role model, then I feel well equipped to carry on and make the best of myself.
Let us not forget those who walked these paths before us and gave us such wise words and so much to model life around. May I always remember to look fear in the face and never be afraid to call on the courage, confidence and strength that comes from that. God bless Eleanor Roosevelt and God bless us all.
~~ Rayne ~~
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
The Christmas Letter for 2006
All of you should get one in your card, but just in case I forget someone, here it is!
Merry Christmas!
~~ Rayne ~~
The Cendrowski Family
Christmas 2006
Dear friends and family,
I always start my letters with our family’s greatest gift and this year is no different. Our greatest gift this year brings us much sadness and much joy. Our greatest gift this year is our very special and precious Guardian Angel Bob.
Our Bob is spending his first Christmas WITH Jesus and what can be so bad about that except that we are not with him. Bob’s long and arduous fight with Hodgkins Lymphoma ended on May 4th when Jesus brought him home to be with him. I have to tell you that I believe that Bob was as pain free and comfortable as he could be and that he passed peacefully in Pennsylvania Hospital. We had discussed this time in great detail and it was more comfortable for him and me that he be in the hospital rather than at home and his desire was that we all not be around when the actual “homecoming” occurred and so all of his wishes were met. There are NO words that can convey how our loss has affected us but we continue on our life’s journey charged with the fact that Bob has once again gone to our next home before us to get ready for our arrival one day. We feel no less connected to him or a part of him; he’s just not in a place where we can now communicate. This doesn’t mean we don’t talk to him or make him a part of our days adventures. We miss and love him very mush but we are LIVING.
Jordan is 13 and in the eighth grade! Hard to believe that she is taller than I and that she has turned into a beautiful young lady. She is president of our school’s student council and once again is making great grades. Now in her 5th season of The Nutcracker, she is still an avid ballerina who passed her first PROFESSIONAL EXAM in the Cecchetti method of ballet. Additionally, she is a member of the Honors Choir and is also in the all school chorus . Her plans are to audition for the All School Play in the spring. We hear it is going to be Annie this year! I couldn’t be prouder to have such a smart, talented and beautiful daughter and I know she makes her Daddy proud as well.
Jonathon is 18 and a FRESHMAN at Andrew College in western Georgia. He loves it and is doing well with all the pressures of being away from home, grieving, and adjusting to college and its demands. He came home for Thanksgiving and will return in about 2 weeks for a long winter break. He is majoring in Physical Education and hopes to teach in a high school environment and coach golf…his first love. I am extremely proud of him and happy that he has taken up the challenge to further his education and I know his dad is also.
Matthew is 22. No that’s not a typo! Matt finished 3 years at our local community college but hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up!! As a result he has decided to follow his dad’s footsteps and join the military. Tell me his dad isn’t boasting with pride!
Matt leaves for Parris Island on January 17 and will spend 12 grueling weeks in the US MARINE Boot camp. Afterwards he will go to AOI and will be trained to be a journalist or paralegal. Once he attains the rank of E-4 (about 2 years) he will finish college and then continue in the Marines as a 1st Lieutenant. Not a bad plan of action for a young man who wants to figure out his life’s path. He is excited and after the initial shock of it, I am thrilled for him too. Please keep him in your prayers as he embarks on his new journey.
I am still teaching full time at our township middle school. I took a leave of absence last spring to take care of Bob, but was right back at it 5 weeks after his death. I’m not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have always felt like the speed of the leader is the speed of the pack and I needed to set the example for the kids and other family members who are comforted to know that we are okay. I am very involved in an online support group for young widows and have enjoyed meeting faces of my friends at various “Widowbagoes” around the country. I traveled to Phoenix in October and will meet up with nearly 100 widows in January in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s great to have friends who “get it.” I am still am the resident Taxi driver and Chief Chef and I even get to put in a quite a few hours as Bookkeeper and housekeeper. Do I sleep? Very little!
Our wish for you all this year is very simple and honest. We hope that your lives will be filled with love, joy, good health and peace and that you will not ever forget to hug and kiss those that you love and care about. Life is a very precious gift that should never be taken for granted. We love you all and think of you and pray for you daily. Happy holidays from our family to yours.
With Love,
Laurayne, Matt, Jon , Jordie and Angel Bob
Merry Christmas!
~~ Rayne ~~
The Cendrowski Family
Christmas 2006
Dear friends and family,
I always start my letters with our family’s greatest gift and this year is no different. Our greatest gift this year brings us much sadness and much joy. Our greatest gift this year is our very special and precious Guardian Angel Bob.
Our Bob is spending his first Christmas WITH Jesus and what can be so bad about that except that we are not with him. Bob’s long and arduous fight with Hodgkins Lymphoma ended on May 4th when Jesus brought him home to be with him. I have to tell you that I believe that Bob was as pain free and comfortable as he could be and that he passed peacefully in Pennsylvania Hospital. We had discussed this time in great detail and it was more comfortable for him and me that he be in the hospital rather than at home and his desire was that we all not be around when the actual “homecoming” occurred and so all of his wishes were met. There are NO words that can convey how our loss has affected us but we continue on our life’s journey charged with the fact that Bob has once again gone to our next home before us to get ready for our arrival one day. We feel no less connected to him or a part of him; he’s just not in a place where we can now communicate. This doesn’t mean we don’t talk to him or make him a part of our days adventures. We miss and love him very mush but we are LIVING.
Jordan is 13 and in the eighth grade! Hard to believe that she is taller than I and that she has turned into a beautiful young lady. She is president of our school’s student council and once again is making great grades. Now in her 5th season of The Nutcracker, she is still an avid ballerina who passed her first PROFESSIONAL EXAM in the Cecchetti method of ballet. Additionally, she is a member of the Honors Choir and is also in the all school chorus . Her plans are to audition for the All School Play in the spring. We hear it is going to be Annie this year! I couldn’t be prouder to have such a smart, talented and beautiful daughter and I know she makes her Daddy proud as well.
Jonathon is 18 and a FRESHMAN at Andrew College in western Georgia. He loves it and is doing well with all the pressures of being away from home, grieving, and adjusting to college and its demands. He came home for Thanksgiving and will return in about 2 weeks for a long winter break. He is majoring in Physical Education and hopes to teach in a high school environment and coach golf…his first love. I am extremely proud of him and happy that he has taken up the challenge to further his education and I know his dad is also.
Matthew is 22. No that’s not a typo! Matt finished 3 years at our local community college but hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up!! As a result he has decided to follow his dad’s footsteps and join the military. Tell me his dad isn’t boasting with pride!
Matt leaves for Parris Island on January 17 and will spend 12 grueling weeks in the US MARINE Boot camp. Afterwards he will go to AOI and will be trained to be a journalist or paralegal. Once he attains the rank of E-4 (about 2 years) he will finish college and then continue in the Marines as a 1st Lieutenant. Not a bad plan of action for a young man who wants to figure out his life’s path. He is excited and after the initial shock of it, I am thrilled for him too. Please keep him in your prayers as he embarks on his new journey.
I am still teaching full time at our township middle school. I took a leave of absence last spring to take care of Bob, but was right back at it 5 weeks after his death. I’m not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have always felt like the speed of the leader is the speed of the pack and I needed to set the example for the kids and other family members who are comforted to know that we are okay. I am very involved in an online support group for young widows and have enjoyed meeting faces of my friends at various “Widowbagoes” around the country. I traveled to Phoenix in October and will meet up with nearly 100 widows in January in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s great to have friends who “get it.” I am still am the resident Taxi driver and Chief Chef and I even get to put in a quite a few hours as Bookkeeper and housekeeper. Do I sleep? Very little!
Our wish for you all this year is very simple and honest. We hope that your lives will be filled with love, joy, good health and peace and that you will not ever forget to hug and kiss those that you love and care about. Life is a very precious gift that should never be taken for granted. We love you all and think of you and pray for you daily. Happy holidays from our family to yours.
With Love,
Laurayne, Matt, Jon , Jordie and Angel Bob
Monday, December 4, 2006
"In Life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us." ~ Anne from the Hodgkins Board
What could be more true than that! These last two years so much has happened around me. I just discovered that I actually missed an entire year of life. Not that I wouldn't trade it all to have Bob back. I would in a heart beat. I think everyone knows that. I miss my husband soooo much. This season makes it difficult to focus on much besides the fact that Bob isn't here. He was so proud of our home all the time but especially at Christmas. The more I'd decorate, the more he loved it. Christmas was the only time of year when he didn't care if I spent money to decorate, in fact he encouraged it!
Things happend TO me also. I became another year older, I lost and gained weight due to stress, I spent 30 days in the hospital beside Bob's side, I went on a medical leave of absence to care for Bob,I became and aunt again to my precious baby nephew, Hunter Gabriel and I became a WIDOW and SINGLE PARENT. Sosme were fun things and others were terrible.
I'm no worse for wear though. I'm strong, happy, adjusted and above all more faithful today than ever before. This doesn't mean that EVERY day is a bed of roses...quite the contrary. I have emotionally low days. I cry. In fact I wail. I have memories and those fun, good times pop into my head and make me bittersweet often. I am human. But as the months tick away....I'm at 7 today, those terrible days become farther apart and easier to face. It's true.
So within me I think I can feel good. I am healthy. I am strong. I am independant. I am loved and I am really over all happy. I have crossed apths with people along the way who have helped me in my journey and for them I am thankful. I have crossed paths with people who through all of this have added to the hurt and I have to accept that hurt, mend my wounds and move on knowing that even that can't beat me down. The old addage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true. I am a stronger, better person for enduring that pain and moving on
anyway. There are a lot of things that people might say and do but to hold my children against me is not cool.
I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept that and accept me and who love me despite it.
I am woman hear me roar!
~~ Rayne~~
What could be more true than that! These last two years so much has happened around me. I just discovered that I actually missed an entire year of life. Not that I wouldn't trade it all to have Bob back. I would in a heart beat. I think everyone knows that. I miss my husband soooo much. This season makes it difficult to focus on much besides the fact that Bob isn't here. He was so proud of our home all the time but especially at Christmas. The more I'd decorate, the more he loved it. Christmas was the only time of year when he didn't care if I spent money to decorate, in fact he encouraged it!
Things happend TO me also. I became another year older, I lost and gained weight due to stress, I spent 30 days in the hospital beside Bob's side, I went on a medical leave of absence to care for Bob,I became and aunt again to my precious baby nephew, Hunter Gabriel and I became a WIDOW and SINGLE PARENT. Sosme were fun things and others were terrible.
I'm no worse for wear though. I'm strong, happy, adjusted and above all more faithful today than ever before. This doesn't mean that EVERY day is a bed of roses...quite the contrary. I have emotionally low days. I cry. In fact I wail. I have memories and those fun, good times pop into my head and make me bittersweet often. I am human. But as the months tick away....I'm at 7 today, those terrible days become farther apart and easier to face. It's true.
So within me I think I can feel good. I am healthy. I am strong. I am independant. I am loved and I am really over all happy. I have crossed apths with people along the way who have helped me in my journey and for them I am thankful. I have crossed paths with people who through all of this have added to the hurt and I have to accept that hurt, mend my wounds and move on knowing that even that can't beat me down. The old addage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true. I am a stronger, better person for enduring that pain and moving on
anyway. There are a lot of things that people might say and do but to hold my children against me is not cool.
I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept that and accept me and who love me despite it.
I am woman hear me roar!
~~ Rayne~~
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Courage
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow" ~ Dan Rather
This was a quote that I had plastered all over the hospital walls as a means of encouragement for Bob. I never thought then that I would be the one learing it's lesson. But it's funny how life has a way of placing us in places we have no idea about.. Here I am now reading this quote and finding a lot of encouragement from it.
I've mustered up more courage in the last nearly 31 months than I ever thought I possessed. At first it was the courage to accept Bob's diagnosis and plod forward with deadly amounts of chemotherapy and radiation. Then it became the courage to to take care of Bob through his stem cell transplant and eventually the courage to learn the ins and outs of tracheostomy and feeding tube care. Finally in May, I was faced with the reality of Bob's death and I was once again knocking on Courage's door to accept and deal with grief and the death of my best friend and life partner. Through it all I was blessed with healthy amounts of courage and faith.
This past week I found myself looking for courage in a very different manner. I sought out courage to take and pass the national certification exam that now labels me as being Highly Qualified. After a very rocky start, I was able to complete the exam in record time, just over 1 hour! The preliminary result that the computer kicks out is that I passed very well but, until the little piece of paper is in my maibox, I won't fully believe it!
Courage has become my new way of life and because of my courage and my faith, I am equipped and able to march forward proudly.
~~ Rayne ~~
This was a quote that I had plastered all over the hospital walls as a means of encouragement for Bob. I never thought then that I would be the one learing it's lesson. But it's funny how life has a way of placing us in places we have no idea about.. Here I am now reading this quote and finding a lot of encouragement from it.
I've mustered up more courage in the last nearly 31 months than I ever thought I possessed. At first it was the courage to accept Bob's diagnosis and plod forward with deadly amounts of chemotherapy and radiation. Then it became the courage to to take care of Bob through his stem cell transplant and eventually the courage to learn the ins and outs of tracheostomy and feeding tube care. Finally in May, I was faced with the reality of Bob's death and I was once again knocking on Courage's door to accept and deal with grief and the death of my best friend and life partner. Through it all I was blessed with healthy amounts of courage and faith.
This past week I found myself looking for courage in a very different manner. I sought out courage to take and pass the national certification exam that now labels me as being Highly Qualified. After a very rocky start, I was able to complete the exam in record time, just over 1 hour! The preliminary result that the computer kicks out is that I passed very well but, until the little piece of paper is in my maibox, I won't fully believe it!
Courage has become my new way of life and because of my courage and my faith, I am equipped and able to march forward proudly.
~~ Rayne ~~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
I am Thankful For.....
Today is the day that our country sets aside to celebrate and meditate on the things one is thankful for. As I began to think about all of this years blessings in my life I felt a distinct combination of happy and sad feelings deep within my heart.
So this evening I have compiled a list of my most grateful blessings.
1. My health and the health of my kids
2. 23 years with my husband
3. My faith
4. My home
5. My parents and parents-in-law
6. My siblings
7. The doctors and nurses who took care of Bob
8. My job
9. My friends
10. The Young Widow Bulletin Board and the wonderful friends I have met via YWBB
11. The ability to love and to be loved
12. Honesty and Integrity
13. God's most grateful and richest blessings
As this Thanksgiving closes in, I am thankful for so many things but I am also painfully aware of Bob's absence. The dinner table just asn't the same without Bob there scarfing up everyone's leftovers and making all the wierd little noises that he was so well known for.
It's true that time has a way of making the pain seem more tolerable, but the memories are sometimes the parts that are hardest to deal with.
Time can heal but memories last forever. I love you Honey and you will be FOREVER in my heart. Happy first Thanksgiving in Heaven.
~ Rayne ~
So this evening I have compiled a list of my most grateful blessings.
1. My health and the health of my kids
2. 23 years with my husband
3. My faith
4. My home
5. My parents and parents-in-law
6. My siblings
7. The doctors and nurses who took care of Bob
8. My job
9. My friends
10. The Young Widow Bulletin Board and the wonderful friends I have met via YWBB
11. The ability to love and to be loved
12. Honesty and Integrity
13. God's most grateful and richest blessings
As this Thanksgiving closes in, I am thankful for so many things but I am also painfully aware of Bob's absence. The dinner table just asn't the same without Bob there scarfing up everyone's leftovers and making all the wierd little noises that he was so well known for.
It's true that time has a way of making the pain seem more tolerable, but the memories are sometimes the parts that are hardest to deal with.
Time can heal but memories last forever. I love you Honey and you will be FOREVER in my heart. Happy first Thanksgiving in Heaven.
~ Rayne ~
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Random Thoughts
This past week has been a sort of catch up week for me. Nothing in particular has happened that was worth really writing about. At least nothing that would make you smile. Last night changed it all though!
Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.
Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!
Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.
His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"
I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.
~~ Rayne ~~
Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.
Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!
Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.
His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"
I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.
~~ Rayne ~~
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Veterans Day 2006
Happy Veterans Day Honey. Our first one apart with no chance of phone calls or letters or even an e-card. Your first one in heaven with Jesus and I am sure that the banquet there is bigger and better than anything we ever had here. We're keeping the tradition of steak and fries tonight, one of your favorite meals.
Today I celebrate you, the husband, dad, son and soldier who stopped at nothing to defend the freedom of your family and fellow Americans. The world had no finer example of a man who loved God, Family and Nation. Your memory will live forever.
The flag is flying and the honor and support, and love are overflowing. I miss you with every passing day and can't wait until I'm in your arms again!
The PROUDEST wife ever,
~~ Rayne ~~
Today I celebrate you, the husband, dad, son and soldier who stopped at nothing to defend the freedom of your family and fellow Americans. The world had no finer example of a man who loved God, Family and Nation. Your memory will live forever.
The flag is flying and the honor and support, and love are overflowing. I miss you with every passing day and can't wait until I'm in your arms again!
The PROUDEST wife ever,
~~ Rayne ~~
Friday, November 10, 2006
Welcome Back!
Welcome to the new blog! I am in the process of creating and re-posting all the blogs from before. Hope this new home will be a safe and happy abode.
Much Love,
~~ Rayne ~~
Much Love,
~~ Rayne ~~
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
Unfortunate
It's unfortunate that someone had to give my mother-in-law the ONE post that revealed a bad day in my family's life. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed...I WAS NOT. Thats REAL life. Had I been ashamed I would not have written and published the blog.
NO ONES family is perfect and this person is no exception to that rule. I guess you should "not pick the speck out of someone's eye until you get the boulder out of your own." Once a trouble maker always a trouble maker. This game has been going on for the 25 years I have been in Bob's family. I'm sure every parent has a story to tell about their child taking a dollar without asking or telling a lie. I bet that their child has even made less than perfect grades and not cleaned their room. But to cause trouble in MY family, this jealous person actually PRINTED ONE SINGLE EXCERPT and gave it to Mom to read. Can you believe it? They didn't give her the latest BLOG on the good things and progress that was going on within my family....oh no....just the ONE with the bad stuff. All you did was hurt Bob's mother. Does that make you happy? His mother would/has and does do above and beyond for you all at the pleadings of her family to quit working there. She puts you first...and you hurt her. That was malicious and used just as a way to poke fun at her. Nerve. It took alot.
Let me tell you one thing.....and I know you'll read this eventually.....YOU will NEVER be the kind of mother-in-law that my mother-in-law is and YOU will never have the realtionship with your family members that I have with my Mother-in-law. Write me off, write my kids off...my husband is dead so you can't write him off. I owe you no loyalty and believe me, you don't deserve any. I don't have to patronize you or play the game and I won't. Money can't buy love.
For the many of you that enjoyed the journal and encouraged me to write...for those of you who realize that families are not perfect and can quip at a single mom's views of raising kids alone.... I have created this new blog.
I was an awesome wife to my husband... there was no greater love and no greater mutual respect...I stood by my man until that last breath and I continue to be totally committed to his parents and his sister and just as committed to my marriage vow now as I was when Bob was alive. You'd have to look far and wide to dig up any dirt on me....I've guarded my reputation. When you have walked a mile in my shoes, I'd like to compare notes.
Print this BLOG and keep it. It's time I get this off my chest and this was the catalyst.
~~Laurayne~~
NO ONES family is perfect and this person is no exception to that rule. I guess you should "not pick the speck out of someone's eye until you get the boulder out of your own." Once a trouble maker always a trouble maker. This game has been going on for the 25 years I have been in Bob's family. I'm sure every parent has a story to tell about their child taking a dollar without asking or telling a lie. I bet that their child has even made less than perfect grades and not cleaned their room. But to cause trouble in MY family, this jealous person actually PRINTED ONE SINGLE EXCERPT and gave it to Mom to read. Can you believe it? They didn't give her the latest BLOG on the good things and progress that was going on within my family....oh no....just the ONE with the bad stuff. All you did was hurt Bob's mother. Does that make you happy? His mother would/has and does do above and beyond for you all at the pleadings of her family to quit working there. She puts you first...and you hurt her. That was malicious and used just as a way to poke fun at her. Nerve. It took alot.
Let me tell you one thing.....and I know you'll read this eventually.....YOU will NEVER be the kind of mother-in-law that my mother-in-law is and YOU will never have the realtionship with your family members that I have with my Mother-in-law. Write me off, write my kids off...my husband is dead so you can't write him off. I owe you no loyalty and believe me, you don't deserve any. I don't have to patronize you or play the game and I won't. Money can't buy love.
For the many of you that enjoyed the journal and encouraged me to write...for those of you who realize that families are not perfect and can quip at a single mom's views of raising kids alone.... I have created this new blog.
I was an awesome wife to my husband... there was no greater love and no greater mutual respect...I stood by my man until that last breath and I continue to be totally committed to his parents and his sister and just as committed to my marriage vow now as I was when Bob was alive. You'd have to look far and wide to dig up any dirt on me....I've guarded my reputation. When you have walked a mile in my shoes, I'd like to compare notes.
Print this BLOG and keep it. It's time I get this off my chest and this was the catalyst.
~~Laurayne~~
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Love Leaves A Memory
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
I ran across this epitaph this morning in some of my perusing of the internet. It really struck a chord with me and in an instant became the cornerstone of my writings today. I don't think I could have come up with a more true saying if I had to think for days. Whoever thought of this one is brilliant for it is the battle cry of just about every widow I know. Once we lost our spouse we were instantly reduced to those memories and though the world can try to beat me down and make me forget many things, the world can NEVER steal my memories of Bob and all that he means to me.
No one can take the memory of our first face to face meeting. No one can take the memory of the first date and the first kiss. No one can steal the memory of me bringing him home to me the parents. And no one can steal away the memory of the day we became engaged. The day we were married is no one's to steal. Our first home together is no one's to take either. Bob's first deployment as a married man and the feelings of loneliness and abandon that consumed me are MINE as is the proudest days of our life....the days our kids were born. No one can take the memories of anniversaries, vacations and moves. And no one can take the memories of the disagreements and reunitings after long deployments. They can't take away the memory of the pain and agony of the disease that ravaged my beloved's body and the many nights I spent up with him, rubbing his head, kissing his lips and holding his hand. They are all mine.
What the world can have is the memory of a man who so deeply touched and affected each and every person he met, a man who was not perfect but who knew that and lived each and every day to make it a better day than the day before. The world can have the memory of his smile, the memory of his honesty, the memory of his love.
The heartache is a natural byproduct of the love that we have shared and the memories that embellish our minds. The heartache is the mortal remnant of the immortal soul. The heartache will eventually fade but never end.
Memories offer us both a legacy of the richness of Bob's life and we are both better having known the man who offers us so many things and times to remember...ALWAYS.
~~ Rayne ~~
I ran across this epitaph this morning in some of my perusing of the internet. It really struck a chord with me and in an instant became the cornerstone of my writings today. I don't think I could have come up with a more true saying if I had to think for days. Whoever thought of this one is brilliant for it is the battle cry of just about every widow I know. Once we lost our spouse we were instantly reduced to those memories and though the world can try to beat me down and make me forget many things, the world can NEVER steal my memories of Bob and all that he means to me.
No one can take the memory of our first face to face meeting. No one can take the memory of the first date and the first kiss. No one can steal the memory of me bringing him home to me the parents. And no one can steal away the memory of the day we became engaged. The day we were married is no one's to steal. Our first home together is no one's to take either. Bob's first deployment as a married man and the feelings of loneliness and abandon that consumed me are MINE as is the proudest days of our life....the days our kids were born. No one can take the memories of anniversaries, vacations and moves. And no one can take the memories of the disagreements and reunitings after long deployments. They can't take away the memory of the pain and agony of the disease that ravaged my beloved's body and the many nights I spent up with him, rubbing his head, kissing his lips and holding his hand. They are all mine.
What the world can have is the memory of a man who so deeply touched and affected each and every person he met, a man who was not perfect but who knew that and lived each and every day to make it a better day than the day before. The world can have the memory of his smile, the memory of his honesty, the memory of his love.
The heartache is a natural byproduct of the love that we have shared and the memories that embellish our minds. The heartache is the mortal remnant of the immortal soul. The heartache will eventually fade but never end.
Memories offer us both a legacy of the richness of Bob's life and we are both better having known the man who offers us so many things and times to remember...ALWAYS.
~~ Rayne ~~
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Six Months Today
I embrace today with love and memories. Though I miss Bob in ways I can never explain, it feels like a "powerful" day to me. I feel ready to move onto the second half of the first year. Today i am putting away the Halloween decorations (Bob loved Halloween) and taking out the Thanksgiving stuff. Moving on. Does this mean forgetting? NO WAY. I could never forget the most important human to ever touch my life. I couldn't forget the only man I loved and the father of three of the most beautiful kids ever. Though our vows were "Till death do us part" I just don't feel parted. So I honor that bond and vow and I move on through life WITH Bob, if not but a memory.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the poem that Jordan wrote back in June. The pain and loss were so real and so raw. Maybe today I can coax her into another creation and it will better depict her feelings now. She seems well but tasks like this paint a better picture of what's deep in the well. Below you'll find a reprise of that poem.
Today is the six month anniversary of my loss but of Bob's gain. The gain of wings, halos, perfect peace and love. The gain of what we are all waiting for...GOD'S FACE. What could be so wrong with that? Maybe my thoughts should reflect the fact that today I REJOICE that there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more being trapped inside a body that you can no longer control. Today is reason to celebrate.
Here's to the best husband, father, son and brother. Heres to the best friend, coworker,soldier and man. Here's to the best example of what dignity and honor are all about. To you my sweetheart...to you!
Today I celebrate YOU: ROBERT DONALD CENDROWSKI
6 Weeks
It’s been 6 weeks
6 weeks of grief and emptiness
6 weeks of wanting you back
6 weeks of hopes and dreams.
What will 6 months be?
Or 6 years?
Will there ever be a day that I happy for you?
I know you’re with God
And I know you are healed
But do you think of me
And Mommy, Jon and Matt?
I think of you
And I think of what I’ll grow up to be.
Will I be like you or will I be like Mommy?
Will I live a life worth living or will it be hell?
Sometimes I wonder;
think too much, I cry too much.
Go to God Daddy and find peace
But on this 6 week mark
Think of me
I love you daddy with all my heart
And wish we never had to part
Just one more“I love you” or
One more kiss
Or even just one more ponytail pull,peoples eye brow and “Doh!”
But today, on this 6 week mark
I think of your legacy, journey, and fight.
Daddy, I love you with all my heart, soul and being.
JAC 6-15-06
I have been thinking a lot lately about the poem that Jordan wrote back in June. The pain and loss were so real and so raw. Maybe today I can coax her into another creation and it will better depict her feelings now. She seems well but tasks like this paint a better picture of what's deep in the well. Below you'll find a reprise of that poem.
Today is the six month anniversary of my loss but of Bob's gain. The gain of wings, halos, perfect peace and love. The gain of what we are all waiting for...GOD'S FACE. What could be so wrong with that? Maybe my thoughts should reflect the fact that today I REJOICE that there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more being trapped inside a body that you can no longer control. Today is reason to celebrate.
Here's to the best husband, father, son and brother. Heres to the best friend, coworker,soldier and man. Here's to the best example of what dignity and honor are all about. To you my sweetheart...to you!
Today I celebrate YOU: ROBERT DONALD CENDROWSKI
6 Weeks
It’s been 6 weeks
6 weeks of grief and emptiness
6 weeks of wanting you back
6 weeks of hopes and dreams.
What will 6 months be?
Or 6 years?
Will there ever be a day that I happy for you?
I know you’re with God
And I know you are healed
But do you think of me
And Mommy, Jon and Matt?
I think of you
And I think of what I’ll grow up to be.
Will I be like you or will I be like Mommy?
Will I live a life worth living or will it be hell?
Sometimes I wonder;
think too much, I cry too much.
Go to God Daddy and find peace
But on this 6 week mark
Think of me
I love you daddy with all my heart
And wish we never had to part
Just one more“I love you” or
One more kiss
Or even just one more ponytail pull,peoples eye brow and “Doh!”
But today, on this 6 week mark
I think of your legacy, journey, and fight.
Daddy, I love you with all my heart, soul and being.
JAC 6-15-06
Friday, November 3, 2006
How Can I Stop From Crying?
Brutally me. No frills and no frolics...just ME.
I am an emotional mess and I can't tell you why exactly. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, tears beget me. Last night Matthew announced that he had joined the Marine's. THE MARINES. What now? I lost my husband to the military and their shenanigans. Now my first born son is joining the ranks of the like? I am confused. I am hurting. Not because I think Matt is above the Marines or above the military, but because in one brief moment he went from Matthew, my son to Matt, a MAN. I couldn't help but wonder if Bob is happy and proud of our son. IS he looking down and smiling or does he have that puzzled face? IS he thinking what he always said..."the Marine's are crazy MF's" IS he thinking that our son is crazy? IS he crazy? Am I crazy? Oh my God, I am spinning.
This morning I got up and went through the whole thing in my head. I wrote down a few notes and then armed, went to the internet and looked up his pay. As a recruit, he'll be poor. But I guess he won't have reason to spend any money. After all they'll own him. Oh wow...THEY will OWN him. I can't help make decisions anymore. I can't call and find out any info. THEY OWN HIM. I carried him, I fought for his life when he was 20 days old and I raised him and now the Marines OWN him. I don't like this thought. I don't like it one little bit. He's MINE. Hear me...HE IS MINE.
IF he makes it through Basic, he'll come out making a little more than the average Marine because he'll be an E-2 instead of an E-1. Then after his schooling and a bit into his first assignment he'll go to college while the Marines pay for it and they'll also pay his salary, all the while he'll accrue time in and once he's finished and has his degree, he'll become commissioned a 1st Lieutenant and his job will change. Now this is sounding better. But the danger is still there. The DANGER. Matt says that more than likely he will not go to Iraq, but I don't see that. In my minds eye, he'll do one tour there before his school begins. What do I know though...I'm just a Mom? And if he does go to war, what’s the difference in kissing him good bye and kissing Bob good bye? It was good enough for the love of my life FOUR times! Bob where are you? This is one of those times I need you. I need to bury my head in your chest and scream. I need to feel your strong arms around me and hear you reassure me that I am okay and I am going to make it. Can't you help me? Sometimes I feel your presence and this is one time I need you. I NEED YOU Honey.
Looking at that pay scale brought a flurry of emotion to the forefront of my mind too. I remember Bob being a 1st LT. and us struggling on that salary and LOVING every minute of it. I remember having a baby on a 1st. Lt's salary and how we had to split that money into more pieces but we were so in love that it didn't matter. Memories, sometimes they're a bitch. This is one of those times.
I'm still crying. Some are "Joy" tears and some are "pain" tears. Today, I miss Bob more than ever and I miss Matt. He's still here, but it's different. Way different.
~~ Rayne ~~
I am an emotional mess and I can't tell you why exactly. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, tears beget me. Last night Matthew announced that he had joined the Marine's. THE MARINES. What now? I lost my husband to the military and their shenanigans. Now my first born son is joining the ranks of the like? I am confused. I am hurting. Not because I think Matt is above the Marines or above the military, but because in one brief moment he went from Matthew, my son to Matt, a MAN. I couldn't help but wonder if Bob is happy and proud of our son. IS he looking down and smiling or does he have that puzzled face? IS he thinking what he always said..."the Marine's are crazy MF's" IS he thinking that our son is crazy? IS he crazy? Am I crazy? Oh my God, I am spinning.
This morning I got up and went through the whole thing in my head. I wrote down a few notes and then armed, went to the internet and looked up his pay. As a recruit, he'll be poor. But I guess he won't have reason to spend any money. After all they'll own him. Oh wow...THEY will OWN him. I can't help make decisions anymore. I can't call and find out any info. THEY OWN HIM. I carried him, I fought for his life when he was 20 days old and I raised him and now the Marines OWN him. I don't like this thought. I don't like it one little bit. He's MINE. Hear me...HE IS MINE.
IF he makes it through Basic, he'll come out making a little more than the average Marine because he'll be an E-2 instead of an E-1. Then after his schooling and a bit into his first assignment he'll go to college while the Marines pay for it and they'll also pay his salary, all the while he'll accrue time in and once he's finished and has his degree, he'll become commissioned a 1st Lieutenant and his job will change. Now this is sounding better. But the danger is still there. The DANGER. Matt says that more than likely he will not go to Iraq, but I don't see that. In my minds eye, he'll do one tour there before his school begins. What do I know though...I'm just a Mom? And if he does go to war, what’s the difference in kissing him good bye and kissing Bob good bye? It was good enough for the love of my life FOUR times! Bob where are you? This is one of those times I need you. I need to bury my head in your chest and scream. I need to feel your strong arms around me and hear you reassure me that I am okay and I am going to make it. Can't you help me? Sometimes I feel your presence and this is one time I need you. I NEED YOU Honey.
Looking at that pay scale brought a flurry of emotion to the forefront of my mind too. I remember Bob being a 1st LT. and us struggling on that salary and LOVING every minute of it. I remember having a baby on a 1st. Lt's salary and how we had to split that money into more pieces but we were so in love that it didn't matter. Memories, sometimes they're a bitch. This is one of those times.
I'm still crying. Some are "Joy" tears and some are "pain" tears. Today, I miss Bob more than ever and I miss Matt. He's still here, but it's different. Way different.
~~ Rayne ~~
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Oh Baby I Love Your Way
Oh Baby I Love Your Way
Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley - Will To Power
Shadows grow so long before my eyesAnd they're moving across the pageSuddenly the day turns into nightFar away from the city
But don't hesitate'Cause your love, your love won't wait ho-no-no
Ooh baby I love your way every dayOoh wanna tell you I love your way every dayOoh wanna be with you night and day
Hey yeahI love your way
If I leave here tomorrowWill you still remember meFor I must be traveling on nowThere's so many places I gotta see
But if I stayed here with you girlThings just wouldn't be the same'Cause I'm as free as a bird nowAnd this bird will never change,And this bird will never change...
Shadows grow so long before my eyesWith the help of some firefliesI wonder how they have the power to shineI can see them under the pines
But don't hesitate'Cause your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Every day nowOoh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day)I love your wayOoh baby I love your way ('cause I'm as free as a bird now)Give me you way, wanna tell you I love your way (A free as a bird now)Ooh baby I love your way
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day, every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day, oh-o)Ooh baby I love your way (night and day)
Another song. Why do these keep popping into my head? I love music and I love to sing, but this is different. It's almost like its a therapy. Strange that at just the perfect time, a perfect song will pop into the head and beg to be released.
Anyway, as I read through the lyrics I was actually amazed at how they spoke to me. Just the refrain alone has such profound meaning in my life. I LOVE Bob's way. I loved them in his lifetime and I have found that, in his death , I have come to appreciate his ways more than ever. Even the quirkiest of them. The dumb things like the incessant teasing and the messes that he left for me. The things I hated like being "trapped" between him and the counter as I washed dishes. The little piles of papers that he had all over and yes even the mounds and mounds of things he "packed" into our basement, and the toothpaste in the sink. What I wouldn't give to have his ways one more day. But then I know that I would want them to stay forever and ONE more day would never be long enough.
"If I leave here tomorrow,will you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now,there's so many places I gotta see" You did leave me and the question of whether I would rmember you is ridiculous. How could I NOT remember YOU? I want to know if YOU still remember ME? Do you remember the way I looked to you? The way I smelled? You always liked that! Do you remember the sweet looks we shared and holding my hand and rubbing my head and me burrying my head into your chest as you held me close and promised me everything would be alright? You do have many things to see now, and I do too. The things I see now have different meaning and different looks. I once saw the beauty in everything and now I have to almost search for that same beauty. The things you must be seeing are, I am sure, more beautiful that I can even imagine. In many ways I am so jealous, yet I know my job here is to continue to raise our family in YOUR WAYS and to search and find my happiness.
"But if I stayed here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same, 'cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird will never change, and this bird will never change... " You're right Honey. If you stayed with me, things wouldn't be the same. Your life here was a living hell the last 4 months. I knew it. I could see it in your eyes. You hated that trach and then when the feeding tube was inevitable....you really felt "sunk." All of a sudden you didn't want to go out and you had no desire to have anyone over here. You slept and existed and that was about it. I couldn't even interest you in the computer or a board game, both things you loved. The Simpson's came and went and you wouldn't even be interested in that. Sienfeld didn't even make you laugh. And though you often wanted to love on me, you didn't even have the strength to do that. A kiss was an effort. But you are free and you can now have your life again and be happy. You have the ultimate freedom and for that I am happy and thankful.
"Shadows grow so long before my eyes. With the help of some fireflies. I wonder how they have the power to shine?I can see them under the pines." I bet the shadows from heaven are long. And with your eyes, the brightest firefly must be the most awesome sight. As the nights get longer and the days shorter, I am reminded of how our life together was shortened and I am sad but happy. I couldn't have taken another day of having to see you in the state that you were in. The pain and agony that became a part of your everyday existence pierced my heart more than I can ever explain. So many times I told God that I wanted to change places with you. I wanted you to just be able to love life again. That wasn't His plan.. His plan was to make sure that He places before me, daily ways to acknowledge your presence and your ways. His plans were for you to be free. Truly FREE.
For you I am thankful. For you I love. For you I move on and find my happiness. That is what you would want. That is what you told me to do. Ooh Baby I love your ways, and I WILL be with you all my days. If only in thought and heart.
I Love you Honey. I honestly I love you. Thats another song for later!
~~ Rayne~~
Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley - Will To Power
Shadows grow so long before my eyesAnd they're moving across the pageSuddenly the day turns into nightFar away from the city
But don't hesitate'Cause your love, your love won't wait ho-no-no
Ooh baby I love your way every dayOoh wanna tell you I love your way every dayOoh wanna be with you night and day
Hey yeahI love your way
If I leave here tomorrowWill you still remember meFor I must be traveling on nowThere's so many places I gotta see
But if I stayed here with you girlThings just wouldn't be the same'Cause I'm as free as a bird nowAnd this bird will never change,And this bird will never change...
Shadows grow so long before my eyesWith the help of some firefliesI wonder how they have the power to shineI can see them under the pines
But don't hesitate'Cause your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Every day nowOoh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day)I love your wayOoh baby I love your way ('cause I'm as free as a bird now)Give me you way, wanna tell you I love your way (A free as a bird now)Ooh baby I love your way
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day, every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day, oh-o)Ooh baby I love your way (night and day)
Another song. Why do these keep popping into my head? I love music and I love to sing, but this is different. It's almost like its a therapy. Strange that at just the perfect time, a perfect song will pop into the head and beg to be released.
Anyway, as I read through the lyrics I was actually amazed at how they spoke to me. Just the refrain alone has such profound meaning in my life. I LOVE Bob's way. I loved them in his lifetime and I have found that, in his death , I have come to appreciate his ways more than ever. Even the quirkiest of them. The dumb things like the incessant teasing and the messes that he left for me. The things I hated like being "trapped" between him and the counter as I washed dishes. The little piles of papers that he had all over and yes even the mounds and mounds of things he "packed" into our basement, and the toothpaste in the sink. What I wouldn't give to have his ways one more day. But then I know that I would want them to stay forever and ONE more day would never be long enough.
"If I leave here tomorrow,will you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now,there's so many places I gotta see" You did leave me and the question of whether I would rmember you is ridiculous. How could I NOT remember YOU? I want to know if YOU still remember ME? Do you remember the way I looked to you? The way I smelled? You always liked that! Do you remember the sweet looks we shared and holding my hand and rubbing my head and me burrying my head into your chest as you held me close and promised me everything would be alright? You do have many things to see now, and I do too. The things I see now have different meaning and different looks. I once saw the beauty in everything and now I have to almost search for that same beauty. The things you must be seeing are, I am sure, more beautiful that I can even imagine. In many ways I am so jealous, yet I know my job here is to continue to raise our family in YOUR WAYS and to search and find my happiness.
"But if I stayed here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same, 'cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird will never change, and this bird will never change... " You're right Honey. If you stayed with me, things wouldn't be the same. Your life here was a living hell the last 4 months. I knew it. I could see it in your eyes. You hated that trach and then when the feeding tube was inevitable....you really felt "sunk." All of a sudden you didn't want to go out and you had no desire to have anyone over here. You slept and existed and that was about it. I couldn't even interest you in the computer or a board game, both things you loved. The Simpson's came and went and you wouldn't even be interested in that. Sienfeld didn't even make you laugh. And though you often wanted to love on me, you didn't even have the strength to do that. A kiss was an effort. But you are free and you can now have your life again and be happy. You have the ultimate freedom and for that I am happy and thankful.
"Shadows grow so long before my eyes. With the help of some fireflies. I wonder how they have the power to shine?I can see them under the pines." I bet the shadows from heaven are long. And with your eyes, the brightest firefly must be the most awesome sight. As the nights get longer and the days shorter, I am reminded of how our life together was shortened and I am sad but happy. I couldn't have taken another day of having to see you in the state that you were in. The pain and agony that became a part of your everyday existence pierced my heart more than I can ever explain. So many times I told God that I wanted to change places with you. I wanted you to just be able to love life again. That wasn't His plan.. His plan was to make sure that He places before me, daily ways to acknowledge your presence and your ways. His plans were for you to be free. Truly FREE.
For you I am thankful. For you I love. For you I move on and find my happiness. That is what you would want. That is what you told me to do. Ooh Baby I love your ways, and I WILL be with you all my days. If only in thought and heart.
I Love you Honey. I honestly I love you. Thats another song for later!
~~ Rayne~~
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Wine and Widows
I had a wonderful evening tonight with 5 more of the finest people ever! I enjoyed meeting Bob, Susan, Patty, Mike, and Myra. The wine,the widows and the food and fellowship were all first class. It was ironic that we were all within a few weeks of each other. Susan, our preceptor, was a perfect model of how life seems to progress a bit farther down the line.
Our experiment with the kids seemed to excel as well. All 6 kids were perfect angels and got along very well. They were well behaved and were a pleasure to be around. I think they were amazed that they were all going to be on the cruise together too. Susan, hop on board with us..there's still time to reserve.
Meeting people who are in the same situation as I am sure makes the pain of this so much easier to bear and I am grateful to have found the board and the support that it offers.
Wine and widows....a perfect combination!
~~ Rayne~~
Our experiment with the kids seemed to excel as well. All 6 kids were perfect angels and got along very well. They were well behaved and were a pleasure to be around. I think they were amazed that they were all going to be on the cruise together too. Susan, hop on board with us..there's still time to reserve.
Meeting people who are in the same situation as I am sure makes the pain of this so much easier to bear and I am grateful to have found the board and the support that it offers.
Wine and widows....a perfect combination!
~~ Rayne~~
Friday, October 27, 2006
Its 5 o'clock Somewhere!
I seem to be on a roll with these songs lately. Ahhhhhhh the old me, or is this the NEW me? No matter it IS me!!
It IS five o'clock somewhere...right here in my family room! I've bid my students a fond farewell for the weekend and today I was happy to do so. Most weekends I feel like I am sending them off to war and I worry about what they'll eat, whether they're clean and dry and what situations they may be exposed to over the weekend. Today, I am tired and I have a stomach ache, so I was actually happy to hear that 3:15 bell ring. "Good bye my kiddos, have a happy weekend!"
Now I am at home, relaxing with a perfect glass of cranberry juice and trying to experience a little let down. I've gone full speed ahead all week and I just feel like I need "me time." I have so much I should be doing....laundry, vaccuming, dusting and mopping the kitchen floor. But I am here now and have plans to just sit on the sofa and veg. Maybe I can catch up on some of my magazines, and study for the Praxis. This weekend's about catching up and relaxing a little.
I'm letting my hair down now and relaxing into what I hope will be a terrific weekend. Tomorrow I have another date with the widows. This should be fun. Twelve of us are going to converge on the Outback WITH our 15 kids and try to enjoy a little fellowship over dinner. If nothing else it will be interesting to see how all the kids get along.
Happy Friday.....Happy Weekend.....Happy Happy!!!
~~ Rayne~~
It IS five o'clock somewhere...right here in my family room! I've bid my students a fond farewell for the weekend and today I was happy to do so. Most weekends I feel like I am sending them off to war and I worry about what they'll eat, whether they're clean and dry and what situations they may be exposed to over the weekend. Today, I am tired and I have a stomach ache, so I was actually happy to hear that 3:15 bell ring. "Good bye my kiddos, have a happy weekend!"
Now I am at home, relaxing with a perfect glass of cranberry juice and trying to experience a little let down. I've gone full speed ahead all week and I just feel like I need "me time." I have so much I should be doing....laundry, vaccuming, dusting and mopping the kitchen floor. But I am here now and have plans to just sit on the sofa and veg. Maybe I can catch up on some of my magazines, and study for the Praxis. This weekend's about catching up and relaxing a little.
I'm letting my hair down now and relaxing into what I hope will be a terrific weekend. Tomorrow I have another date with the widows. This should be fun. Twelve of us are going to converge on the Outback WITH our 15 kids and try to enjoy a little fellowship over dinner. If nothing else it will be interesting to see how all the kids get along.
Happy Friday.....Happy Weekend.....Happy Happy!!!
~~ Rayne~~
How Do You Like Me NOW?
How Do You Like Me NOW?
I think thats a country song. How does anyone like me now? I saw my financial planner 2 hours ago and he remarked at how good I looked. At the glow that I emitted. Tonight...right now, theres not a bit of radiance coming from this body. I am angry, hurt and I feel used.
My eldest son can take me to places I never thought I could go. He is the only one besides Bob that has ever been able to manipulate me in such a way. I have taken him back and taken him back, but tonight.....NOPE. I'm done. D-O-N-E I tell you. The lies and deceit have reached their final resting place with me. He has stolen my heart, my life and my money. What kind of kid steals from their own MOTHER? Thats just unmentionable. I would have never had the nerve to do such a thing. But Matt....he does. So, I was forced into my stark-raving-maniac persona and I gave him the what for in a huge way. When the witch gets in my eye...its OVER
Then I received my middle child's mid-term reports from college, and if my arms were rubber they'd be through this rinky dink phone and around Jonathon Taylor's NECK. Not that he's doing terrible...but he's not doing great either. He knows the consequence...either make A's, B's and C's or I won't pay a cent towards next semester's tuition and he won't go on the cruise next summer. A lot to lose for having very borderline grades. I lit the fire...lets see what happens now.
As for the youngest princess in the family, I have been saying the same thing to her for a week, "get that room CLEAN!" I go in there again today and once again....its a mess. I am tired of asking, begging, pleading. I just want to say it ONCE and have it done and done right. This has got to stop. I know that she is busy and that theres a lot to do and that homework is king and ballet is queen, but come on. So I went on a rampage about that.
Now that my house is completely in turmoil, am I happy? NO absolutely not. But I do feel a wee bit better that I was able to vent and get at least a few things done. It ridiculous that it has to come down to this and that I have to get to this level.I hate this place that I am in...I hate it.
So, how do you like me now? Hmmmmmm, How do I like me now? I DON'T.
I think thats a country song. How does anyone like me now? I saw my financial planner 2 hours ago and he remarked at how good I looked. At the glow that I emitted. Tonight...right now, theres not a bit of radiance coming from this body. I am angry, hurt and I feel used.
My eldest son can take me to places I never thought I could go. He is the only one besides Bob that has ever been able to manipulate me in such a way. I have taken him back and taken him back, but tonight.....NOPE. I'm done. D-O-N-E I tell you. The lies and deceit have reached their final resting place with me. He has stolen my heart, my life and my money. What kind of kid steals from their own MOTHER? Thats just unmentionable. I would have never had the nerve to do such a thing. But Matt....he does. So, I was forced into my stark-raving-maniac persona and I gave him the what for in a huge way. When the witch gets in my eye...its OVER
Then I received my middle child's mid-term reports from college, and if my arms were rubber they'd be through this rinky dink phone and around Jonathon Taylor's NECK. Not that he's doing terrible...but he's not doing great either. He knows the consequence...either make A's, B's and C's or I won't pay a cent towards next semester's tuition and he won't go on the cruise next summer. A lot to lose for having very borderline grades. I lit the fire...lets see what happens now.
As for the youngest princess in the family, I have been saying the same thing to her for a week, "get that room CLEAN!" I go in there again today and once again....its a mess. I am tired of asking, begging, pleading. I just want to say it ONCE and have it done and done right. This has got to stop. I know that she is busy and that theres a lot to do and that homework is king and ballet is queen, but come on. So I went on a rampage about that.
Now that my house is completely in turmoil, am I happy? NO absolutely not. But I do feel a wee bit better that I was able to vent and get at least a few things done. It ridiculous that it has to come down to this and that I have to get to this level.I hate this place that I am in...I hate it.
So, how do you like me now? Hmmmmmm, How do I like me now? I DON'T.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Sometimes You Have To Fall To Rise
Another lesson to learn.....another hard fall to endure. We've all heard the cliches about falling and getting back up or in some cases rising again. Well, thats me tonight. More lessons learned, more falling down and more getting up. I hate these lessons. I hate learning the lesson till you've learned it well. At 43 I should have learned most of life's lessons. I haven't.
This lesson is the hardest....guard your heart. I know that but I guess its been so long that I haven't had to really think about it. Bob was the only one to have my heart for 25 years and remembering how to "give a little" but stay closely guarded is, for me, a lost art. And I can tell you that I have already failed the first lesson. But I have a few more lessons close by and I am a fast learner, thank goodness!
The thing that really stinks is that I SHOULD not have to be in this situation. I SHOULD NOT be guarding my heart and emotions...I should be celebrating my middle years with the man I love. But God had other plans. Do you think He feels I didn't learn this lesson well enough the first time around? Maybe He has more in store for me than I know about and He is preparing the way and setting the stage. Maybe it's ME.
My defense is always to turn to prayer and once again, "Dear God, do You hear me? It's me Rayne." Patiently and silently I wait for God's will and way. His time and His plan..... As this unfolds I hope that I will be given the grace and ability to LEARN the lesson and be done.
Dear God, I love you. It's me-------
~~Rayne~~
This lesson is the hardest....guard your heart. I know that but I guess its been so long that I haven't had to really think about it. Bob was the only one to have my heart for 25 years and remembering how to "give a little" but stay closely guarded is, for me, a lost art. And I can tell you that I have already failed the first lesson. But I have a few more lessons close by and I am a fast learner, thank goodness!
The thing that really stinks is that I SHOULD not have to be in this situation. I SHOULD NOT be guarding my heart and emotions...I should be celebrating my middle years with the man I love. But God had other plans. Do you think He feels I didn't learn this lesson well enough the first time around? Maybe He has more in store for me than I know about and He is preparing the way and setting the stage. Maybe it's ME.
My defense is always to turn to prayer and once again, "Dear God, do You hear me? It's me Rayne." Patiently and silently I wait for God's will and way. His time and His plan..... As this unfolds I hope that I will be given the grace and ability to LEARN the lesson and be done.
Dear God, I love you. It's me-------
~~Rayne~~
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Let Down
So today is day two of a being back to the grind after Phoenix. Phoenix......ahhhhhhh Phoenix. It was magical.
I am still having fun remembering the great friends that I made and the great fun that we had. It's just as hard to leave them as it is to leave family after an extended visit. You know....you walk around dazed and in a fog wondering why they had to go and hating the empty feeling having let them go. But then again you know that you'll see them again andall will be well and happy.
School has been stressful these last two days. I kind of had a feeling it would be after taking Friday off and then coming in on a Monday tired and jet lagged. The kids were wound up and eager to hear all about my vacation. I was happy to tell them about it and then used it as an opener to ask about their weekend. We all agreed mine was better. One of my students however; had a weekend that ran a close second.....JAIL! thats right, this kiddo decided to run from the police who had suspicion that he might be selling drugs and that landed his booty right in the local Juvenile Justice Center! Now for as much fun as I had....I can't compare to that experience. Crazy kid.
Tonight the jet lag has hit and I am extremely tired. I think its time for a nice warm bath, warm jammies and a warm bed. If I can catch up on some rest...the weekend that is approaching will be another busy one filled with non other than WIDOWS! Look out Philly.....we're about to descend on the Outback!!
I am still having fun remembering the great friends that I made and the great fun that we had. It's just as hard to leave them as it is to leave family after an extended visit. You know....you walk around dazed and in a fog wondering why they had to go and hating the empty feeling having let them go. But then again you know that you'll see them again andall will be well and happy.
School has been stressful these last two days. I kind of had a feeling it would be after taking Friday off and then coming in on a Monday tired and jet lagged. The kids were wound up and eager to hear all about my vacation. I was happy to tell them about it and then used it as an opener to ask about their weekend. We all agreed mine was better. One of my students however; had a weekend that ran a close second.....JAIL! thats right, this kiddo decided to run from the police who had suspicion that he might be selling drugs and that landed his booty right in the local Juvenile Justice Center! Now for as much fun as I had....I can't compare to that experience. Crazy kid.
Tonight the jet lag has hit and I am extremely tired. I think its time for a nice warm bath, warm jammies and a warm bed. If I can catch up on some rest...the weekend that is approaching will be another busy one filled with non other than WIDOWS! Look out Philly.....we're about to descend on the Outback!!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Valley of the Sun
I made it! I flew by myself, rented a car by myself and and slept in a hotel alone.....all FIRSTS! So strike up 3 points for me in the WIN column....3 more firsts for this widow!
Phoenix is beautiful. It's sunny and warm and I am thoroughly having a good time hanging out with friends that "get it." Its nice to not have to preface every word you say or explain every remark you make. My friends here just know what I mean. As has been the case frequently....I am the "earliest" one here. Funny how we all measure ourselves by how far we've come. Me at five and a half months, Kurt at 10 months, Lynn at 20 months and Tina at 3.9 years. There are others here too that fall somewhere in those lines. I guess you never do forget how long its been. The pain of it all just gets less intense.
First things first. I met up with my widow friend, Kurt, and we hit the grocery/liquor store on the way to the resort. After a quick wine choice and some cheese and crackers, we were off to the San Marcos Resort in Chandler. It's quite a beautiful place. The pool is fabulous, the room is clean and big and the service has been impeccable.
Dinner last night was fabulous. We ate at the Kokopelli Winery. I could have smashed grapes for my wine, but typically me, I settled for iced tea instead. The food was great. Of course after having not eaten all day, I might have been able to say that about any food. I chose the garlic chicken and smashed potatoes. YUMMY!
I hit the sack early last night, welllll......early for West Coast time, 11:30. For me it was really 2:30am!! Waaayyyyy past my bedtime for sure! I was up at 5:30 this morning and ready to get on the move! After a nice breakfast with friends, Kurt and I made a quick jaunt to Best Buy so that he could buy a GPS for the afternoon adventure, Geocaching !He found one of the caches that he had fun sharing with all of us. What a neat hobby! Thanks Kurt. Now you have half a dozen widows scrambling to the nearest Best Buy for the hand held GPS systems! After a quick trip to see the cache, Nancy and I made our way downtown and had a very nice lunch followed by a chat with a "fortune teller." That was very interesting....VERY. I'll divulge the reading when I see if she was a hoax or not. I have to wait just a bit to see how the "chips may fall." I'll just say if what she proclaimed is true in anyway...I have NO worries!!! Hmmmmmm.
Tonight was a wonderful dinner at a local Mexican restaraunt here in Chandler. The food was wonderful and the music was a perfect compliment to a fun evening with 24 of the best people I have ever met. After dinner most of us retreated to the hot tub and pool area for some wine and some more commeraderie. WOW! Twenty four people who had never met before in most cases talking and having fun as if we had known each other forever. What an awesome sight. The weekend was a blur, very much like the funeral. Seems like it came and went just as fast and the withdrawals are horrendous already. If every Bago is this way.....I might not be able to take too many of these emotionally.
So from Chandler, Arizona, I say good bye to friends that I may not see for a very long time but who mean the world to me in more ways than I can ever explain. Ever.
~~ Rayne~~
Phoenix is beautiful. It's sunny and warm and I am thoroughly having a good time hanging out with friends that "get it." Its nice to not have to preface every word you say or explain every remark you make. My friends here just know what I mean. As has been the case frequently....I am the "earliest" one here. Funny how we all measure ourselves by how far we've come. Me at five and a half months, Kurt at 10 months, Lynn at 20 months and Tina at 3.9 years. There are others here too that fall somewhere in those lines. I guess you never do forget how long its been. The pain of it all just gets less intense.
First things first. I met up with my widow friend, Kurt, and we hit the grocery/liquor store on the way to the resort. After a quick wine choice and some cheese and crackers, we were off to the San Marcos Resort in Chandler. It's quite a beautiful place. The pool is fabulous, the room is clean and big and the service has been impeccable.
Dinner last night was fabulous. We ate at the Kokopelli Winery. I could have smashed grapes for my wine, but typically me, I settled for iced tea instead. The food was great. Of course after having not eaten all day, I might have been able to say that about any food. I chose the garlic chicken and smashed potatoes. YUMMY!
I hit the sack early last night, welllll......early for West Coast time, 11:30. For me it was really 2:30am!! Waaayyyyy past my bedtime for sure! I was up at 5:30 this morning and ready to get on the move! After a nice breakfast with friends, Kurt and I made a quick jaunt to Best Buy so that he could buy a GPS for the afternoon adventure, Geocaching !He found one of the caches that he had fun sharing with all of us. What a neat hobby! Thanks Kurt. Now you have half a dozen widows scrambling to the nearest Best Buy for the hand held GPS systems! After a quick trip to see the cache, Nancy and I made our way downtown and had a very nice lunch followed by a chat with a "fortune teller." That was very interesting....VERY. I'll divulge the reading when I see if she was a hoax or not. I have to wait just a bit to see how the "chips may fall." I'll just say if what she proclaimed is true in anyway...I have NO worries!!! Hmmmmmm.
Tonight was a wonderful dinner at a local Mexican restaraunt here in Chandler. The food was wonderful and the music was a perfect compliment to a fun evening with 24 of the best people I have ever met. After dinner most of us retreated to the hot tub and pool area for some wine and some more commeraderie. WOW! Twenty four people who had never met before in most cases talking and having fun as if we had known each other forever. What an awesome sight. The weekend was a blur, very much like the funeral. Seems like it came and went just as fast and the withdrawals are horrendous already. If every Bago is this way.....I might not be able to take too many of these emotionally.
So from Chandler, Arizona, I say good bye to friends that I may not see for a very long time but who mean the world to me in more ways than I can ever explain. Ever.
~~ Rayne~~
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
" I Hate You"
Wow did those words pierce my soul today! All beacuse I wouldn't let my 13 year old manipulate her way into staying with her friend this weekend.
I have planned this weekend and looked forward to this time since early July. Its a chance for me to get away and finally go and be "ME" for a change. Its a time for me to let my short hair down and relax with a group of widows and widowers who understand my feelings and really do "get it." My teenager has decided, on her terms, that maybe my plan isn't the right plan. So, in front of her friends father we had FALLOUT! Oh yeah...complete with tears and wailing and the whole bit. Did she really "think" that I was going to cave in at that point? Oh nooooooo...I was more determined than ever to stand my ground and make her obey the rule to a "T". Well after a minute or two Little Miss I-can-and-will-get-my-way, DIDN'T. Wanna know what sealed her fate? This little fatalistic statement....."I HATE YOU"
I know that it didnt carry much weight with her and that she didn' mean a letter of it, but, the anger that flew all over me made me as crazy as a loon. So she spent the afternoon in her room without the phone, cell or laptop and I intended for her to get back to reality and maybe to contemplate those piercing words.
Tonight she is back to her mostly sweet self and I can once again stand to be around her. Oh the perils of single parenthood...there's no where to go!
~~Rayne~~
I have planned this weekend and looked forward to this time since early July. Its a chance for me to get away and finally go and be "ME" for a change. Its a time for me to let my short hair down and relax with a group of widows and widowers who understand my feelings and really do "get it." My teenager has decided, on her terms, that maybe my plan isn't the right plan. So, in front of her friends father we had FALLOUT! Oh yeah...complete with tears and wailing and the whole bit. Did she really "think" that I was going to cave in at that point? Oh nooooooo...I was more determined than ever to stand my ground and make her obey the rule to a "T". Well after a minute or two Little Miss I-can-and-will-get-my-way, DIDN'T. Wanna know what sealed her fate? This little fatalistic statement....."I HATE YOU"
I know that it didnt carry much weight with her and that she didn' mean a letter of it, but, the anger that flew all over me made me as crazy as a loon. So she spent the afternoon in her room without the phone, cell or laptop and I intended for her to get back to reality and maybe to contemplate those piercing words.
Tonight she is back to her mostly sweet self and I can once again stand to be around her. Oh the perils of single parenthood...there's no where to go!
~~Rayne~~
Who You'd Be Today
by Alan Jackson
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
[Instrumental Break]
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I do wonder who you'd be today Honey. I wonder who I am today. Am I still the person you were so proud of? The woman you were proud to have as your wife? Have I become someone who you'd want to simply run away from? Some one you are ashamed of?
Tonight I feel calm and somewhat happy. I feel your presence here with me and I know that you are still so much a part of my life. I can and will move on so that I continue to make you happy and proud. Who are you? Who am I? Only time will tell. I'll always remember who you were to me and I will always love you for it. For time and eternity you'll always be mine. ALWAYS.
~~Rayne~~
The three hundred millionth American was born today. Happy Birthday to our newest little American!
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
[Instrumental Break]
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I do wonder who you'd be today Honey. I wonder who I am today. Am I still the person you were so proud of? The woman you were proud to have as your wife? Have I become someone who you'd want to simply run away from? Some one you are ashamed of?
Tonight I feel calm and somewhat happy. I feel your presence here with me and I know that you are still so much a part of my life. I can and will move on so that I continue to make you happy and proud. Who are you? Who am I? Only time will tell. I'll always remember who you were to me and I will always love you for it. For time and eternity you'll always be mine. ALWAYS.
~~Rayne~~
The three hundred millionth American was born today. Happy Birthday to our newest little American!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Getting Better
Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown
It's the truth...I am gonna get better and it's the truth that I am another day closer to the day I'll see Bob again. Today I try and move onward...bravley. Sometimes by the second, sometimes by the minute and sometimes by the hour, day or week. Each day is a new beginning and a new opportunity to start over. Please God, let me make the best of the day I have ahead.
Today is a gift...untie the ribbons!
~~ Rayne ~~
It's the truth...I am gonna get better and it's the truth that I am another day closer to the day I'll see Bob again. Today I try and move onward...bravley. Sometimes by the second, sometimes by the minute and sometimes by the hour, day or week. Each day is a new beginning and a new opportunity to start over. Please God, let me make the best of the day I have ahead.
Today is a gift...untie the ribbons!
~~ Rayne ~~
Sunday, October 15, 2006
OMGimaWIDOW
10/14/06 OMGimaWIDOW
Oh My God...I'm A Widow! Did that thought just hit me today? I knew on May 4 that my life had taken a change and that officially I was no longer part of a couple but that society would now view me as a widow....a loner.
A loner...lonely...alone....seperate....apart....one...single. No matter how you say it, it's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I've always hated it but today for some reason, the pain of the word stings in a way that I haven't felt before. I've always been an extrovert....bubbly by nature...outgoing...friendly. I love people and have generally never met a stranger. But tonight I feel like a loner and I can't seem to pull away from the thought that forever is a long, long time. I don't know if I can be alone, but I know that I don't want anyone else either. If I can't have my husband back then I'd rather be a loner. He KNOWS me inside and out. He KNOWS how to love me, how to hold me, how to touch me, how to LOVE me. I don't want to have to adjust to another's touch, another's feel, another's kiss. I just want whats MINE. Can't anyone understand that?
Why did HE have to go? Everyday I see people cured from that damn disease yet my husband had to be ripped from my arms and from my kid's lives. Maybe God needed him more...maybe his work on earth ws done....doesn't God see that MY work with Bob was NOT done. We had plans and dreams that are LOST or maybe STOLEN is a better word. What am I supposed to do now? Live life in THIS state? I can't....I can't function like this. Today is the worst it's ever been.
I know this isn't what my babe would want for me. He wouldn't want me to be this miserable and this alone. I can hear his voice now whispering "come on ole girl, pick up the pieces and move towards our plans, the plans we talked about."
And so, "for you Babe, for YOU and for God and the kids, I'm not wallowing in this self pitty any more. I'm up and moving. Moving towards OUR goals and plans. I LOVE YOU...I swear I do."
Rayne
Oh My God...I'm A Widow! Did that thought just hit me today? I knew on May 4 that my life had taken a change and that officially I was no longer part of a couple but that society would now view me as a widow....a loner.
A loner...lonely...alone....seperate....apart....one...single. No matter how you say it, it's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I've always hated it but today for some reason, the pain of the word stings in a way that I haven't felt before. I've always been an extrovert....bubbly by nature...outgoing...friendly. I love people and have generally never met a stranger. But tonight I feel like a loner and I can't seem to pull away from the thought that forever is a long, long time. I don't know if I can be alone, but I know that I don't want anyone else either. If I can't have my husband back then I'd rather be a loner. He KNOWS me inside and out. He KNOWS how to love me, how to hold me, how to touch me, how to LOVE me. I don't want to have to adjust to another's touch, another's feel, another's kiss. I just want whats MINE. Can't anyone understand that?
Why did HE have to go? Everyday I see people cured from that damn disease yet my husband had to be ripped from my arms and from my kid's lives. Maybe God needed him more...maybe his work on earth ws done....doesn't God see that MY work with Bob was NOT done. We had plans and dreams that are LOST or maybe STOLEN is a better word. What am I supposed to do now? Live life in THIS state? I can't....I can't function like this. Today is the worst it's ever been.
I know this isn't what my babe would want for me. He wouldn't want me to be this miserable and this alone. I can hear his voice now whispering "come on ole girl, pick up the pieces and move towards our plans, the plans we talked about."
And so, "for you Babe, for YOU and for God and the kids, I'm not wallowing in this self pitty any more. I'm up and moving. Moving towards OUR goals and plans. I LOVE YOU...I swear I do."
Rayne
Saturday, October 14, 2006
An Internal Affair
So here you have it...my sum of what I think grief is...at least for me.For me, grief is a a fight within. An internal affair of what life was and what life is now becoming. I struggle within to let go of what was and of what I had and turn to what is and what I want. And I find that at least for me, fighting with myself is no longer necessary, no longer wanted. What I want is to reclaim ME. To reclaim JOY. And to reclaim LIFE. Not for my family, but for ME, because if I can't fix ME first, then I can't begin to help fix anyone else.So I say ode to the old ways, to the old life, to the old ME and welcome to the newly created ME and the blessings that await me each day. I can never forget my precious Bob. And I will certainly never stop loving him or appreciaiting him and the uniqueness that he gave me and our children, but today I take that first bold step to become what he wanted me to be.....STRONG, FAITHFILLED, INDEPENDANT and COURAGEOUS."Make new 'memories' but Keep the old...some are silver and others gold"
Friday, October 13, 2006
New Windows
New windows! No not the operating system....the kind you look out of. But both are appropriate now that I think about it.
As I met with the representative this morning I decided that I needed new windows. One of the questions he asked me was whether I wanted panes or pane-less windows. That sent my mind into a blur! Panes or no panes I thought. Pains or no pains on my new windows?
Comparing my new windows for my house to my new windows on my soul, my life, I began to ask myself an important question. Why am I getting new windows? Well to answer that about my home it is because the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood is rotten. Now to compare that with my life,hmmm...the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood (me) is rotten! Coincidence? Maybe....NOT.
Looking further into this window situation this is what I have observed:
My locks are broken. The physical locks on the windows that I am replacing are indeed broken or non-existent. The locks on my life, my soul are also either broken or non existent. The widows have often been flung open in hopes that all my pain and grief would somehow fly right out of them. In reality what I have found is that the screens were down and very little has really escaped. My efforts to "fling out" my grief were fruitless and so I have embraced it again and am now determined to fix the locks so that when the terrible parts of grieving are over I'll be able and equipped to lock them out once and for all.
The weights that long ago fell off my home's windows are lost deep down in the interior of the casings. I had once thought that replacement weights would fix the problem of keeping the windows open but learned that you can no longer purchase the weights very easily. This little inconvenience sent me running to the phone to call my friendly window replacement specialist. After all on beautiful fall days like this nothing feels better than to open the window and let the brisk air in to freshen the staleness of my home. Likewise, I found that the weights of Bob's illness are now gone and I can't find them no matter how far and wide I look. Equally, I can't replace those weights with ones that match. Thats impossible. So I've gone running to MY "window replacement specialist" and asked Him to fix the weights that I have. My window replacement specialist has a kind heart and broad shoulders and has offered unconditional replacements free for the asking. I asked that He fix the weights and He did even better...He removed them and gave me lighter weights to carry.
Now the rotten wood is a different story. When the specialist looked at that problem he promptly told me that the only fix for rotten wood was to completely tear it off and replace it with treated wood that would resist the rot but not completely eliminate the chance for return. He began to purge and prod the wood. He chipped and pulled at it and eventually he had a hole that gaped from the outside inward and nature had free access to my family room! Looking at the hole, I clearly saw the comparison to my life, to my soul. Here's the situation....I have so much rotten wood that I don't even know where to begin. I have bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, and hostility. All pieces of wood that need to be purged and prodded. Pieces that desperatlely need to be chipped away and pulled apart. Without cleaning away the rotten wood, I can't make the repairs and fill the hole. My hole is deep and wide, but MY replacement specialist has promised complete repair and a promise of Eternity. Like the hole into my family room, MY hole also goes into His family room and I can tell you thats the ONLY family room I want to be in!
My windows are ordered and will be installed in 6 to 8 weeks. MY windows are ordered and the time frame is unclear for installation, but it's a project thats under construction!
How do your windows look?
As I met with the representative this morning I decided that I needed new windows. One of the questions he asked me was whether I wanted panes or pane-less windows. That sent my mind into a blur! Panes or no panes I thought. Pains or no pains on my new windows?
Comparing my new windows for my house to my new windows on my soul, my life, I began to ask myself an important question. Why am I getting new windows? Well to answer that about my home it is because the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood is rotten. Now to compare that with my life,hmmm...the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood (me) is rotten! Coincidence? Maybe....NOT.
Looking further into this window situation this is what I have observed:
My locks are broken. The physical locks on the windows that I am replacing are indeed broken or non-existent. The locks on my life, my soul are also either broken or non existent. The widows have often been flung open in hopes that all my pain and grief would somehow fly right out of them. In reality what I have found is that the screens were down and very little has really escaped. My efforts to "fling out" my grief were fruitless and so I have embraced it again and am now determined to fix the locks so that when the terrible parts of grieving are over I'll be able and equipped to lock them out once and for all.
The weights that long ago fell off my home's windows are lost deep down in the interior of the casings. I had once thought that replacement weights would fix the problem of keeping the windows open but learned that you can no longer purchase the weights very easily. This little inconvenience sent me running to the phone to call my friendly window replacement specialist. After all on beautiful fall days like this nothing feels better than to open the window and let the brisk air in to freshen the staleness of my home. Likewise, I found that the weights of Bob's illness are now gone and I can't find them no matter how far and wide I look. Equally, I can't replace those weights with ones that match. Thats impossible. So I've gone running to MY "window replacement specialist" and asked Him to fix the weights that I have. My window replacement specialist has a kind heart and broad shoulders and has offered unconditional replacements free for the asking. I asked that He fix the weights and He did even better...He removed them and gave me lighter weights to carry.
Now the rotten wood is a different story. When the specialist looked at that problem he promptly told me that the only fix for rotten wood was to completely tear it off and replace it with treated wood that would resist the rot but not completely eliminate the chance for return. He began to purge and prod the wood. He chipped and pulled at it and eventually he had a hole that gaped from the outside inward and nature had free access to my family room! Looking at the hole, I clearly saw the comparison to my life, to my soul. Here's the situation....I have so much rotten wood that I don't even know where to begin. I have bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, and hostility. All pieces of wood that need to be purged and prodded. Pieces that desperatlely need to be chipped away and pulled apart. Without cleaning away the rotten wood, I can't make the repairs and fill the hole. My hole is deep and wide, but MY replacement specialist has promised complete repair and a promise of Eternity. Like the hole into my family room, MY hole also goes into His family room and I can tell you thats the ONLY family room I want to be in!
My windows are ordered and will be installed in 6 to 8 weeks. MY windows are ordered and the time frame is unclear for installation, but it's a project thats under construction!
How do your windows look?
Poderings
Ever get one those e mail forwards that just snags your attention and makes you muse? My darling "sister-in-love" sent this to me today, and though I've come across it many tmes before, it perforated my brain and gave me cause to want to share. For your ponderance I offer these:
Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Didn't want to leave you with that on your mind so I'll add this oldie but goodie.....
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? hmmmmmmm
Rayne
Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Didn't want to leave you with that on your mind so I'll add this oldie but goodie.....
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? hmmmmmmm
Rayne
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