OMGimaWIDOW

10/14/06 OMGimaWIDOW
Oh My God...I'm A Widow! Did that thought just hit me today? I knew on May 4 that my life had taken a change and that officially I was no longer part of a couple but that society would now view me as a widow....a loner.
A loner...lonely...alone....seperate....apart....one...single. No matter how you say it, it's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I've always hated it but today for some reason, the pain of the word stings in a way that I haven't felt before. I've always been an extrovert....bubbly by nature...outgoing...friendly. I love people and have generally never met a stranger. But tonight I feel like a loner and I can't seem to pull away from the thought that forever is a long, long time. I don't know if I can be alone, but I know that I don't want anyone else either. If I can't have my husband back then I'd rather be a loner. He KNOWS me inside and out. He KNOWS how to love me, how to hold me, how to touch me, how to LOVE me. I don't want to have to adjust to another's touch, another's feel, another's kiss. I just want whats MINE. Can't anyone understand that?
Why did HE have to go? Everyday I see people cured from that damn disease yet my husband had to be ripped from my arms and from my kid's lives. Maybe God needed him more...maybe his work on earth ws done....doesn't God see that MY work with Bob was NOT done. We had plans and dreams that are LOST or maybe STOLEN is a better word. What am I supposed to do now? Live life in THIS state? I can't....I can't function like this. Today is the worst it's ever been.
I know this isn't what my babe would want for me. He wouldn't want me to be this miserable and this alone. I can hear his voice now whispering "come on ole girl, pick up the pieces and move towards our plans, the plans we talked about."
And so, "for you Babe, for YOU and for God and the kids, I'm not wallowing in this self pitty any more. I'm up and moving. Moving towards OUR goals and plans. I LOVE YOU...I swear I do."
Rayne