Random Thoughts

This past week has been a sort of catch up week for me. Nothing in particular has happened that was worth really writing about. At least nothing that would make you smile. Last night changed it all though!

Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.

Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!

Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.

His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"

I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.

~~ Rayne ~~