How Can I Stop From Crying?

Brutally me. No frills and no frolics...just ME.
I am an emotional mess and I can't tell you why exactly. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, tears beget me. Last night Matthew announced that he had joined the Marine's. THE MARINES. What now? I lost my husband to the military and their shenanigans. Now my first born son is joining the ranks of the like? I am confused. I am hurting. Not because I think Matt is above the Marines or above the military, but because in one brief moment he went from Matthew, my son to Matt, a MAN. I couldn't help but wonder if Bob is happy and proud of our son. IS he looking down and smiling or does he have that puzzled face? IS he thinking what he always said..."the Marine's are crazy MF's" IS he thinking that our son is crazy? IS he crazy? Am I crazy? Oh my God, I am spinning.
This morning I got up and went through the whole thing in my head. I wrote down a few notes and then armed, went to the internet and looked up his pay. As a recruit, he'll be poor. But I guess he won't have reason to spend any money. After all they'll own him. Oh wow...THEY will OWN him. I can't help make decisions anymore. I can't call and find out any info. THEY OWN HIM. I carried him, I fought for his life when he was 20 days old and I raised him and now the Marines OWN him. I don't like this thought. I don't like it one little bit. He's MINE. Hear me...HE IS MINE.
IF he makes it through Basic, he'll come out making a little more than the average Marine because he'll be an E-2 instead of an E-1. Then after his schooling and a bit into his first assignment he'll go to college while the Marines pay for it and they'll also pay his salary, all the while he'll accrue time in and once he's finished and has his degree, he'll become commissioned a 1st Lieutenant and his job will change. Now this is sounding better. But the danger is still there. The DANGER. Matt says that more than likely he will not go to Iraq, but I don't see that. In my minds eye, he'll do one tour there before his school begins. What do I know though...I'm just a Mom? And if he does go to war, what’s the difference in kissing him good bye and kissing Bob good bye? It was good enough for the love of my life FOUR times! Bob where are you? This is one of those times I need you. I need to bury my head in your chest and scream. I need to feel your strong arms around me and hear you reassure me that I am okay and I am going to make it. Can't you help me? Sometimes I feel your presence and this is one time I need you. I NEED YOU Honey.
Looking at that pay scale brought a flurry of emotion to the forefront of my mind too. I remember Bob being a 1st LT. and us struggling on that salary and LOVING every minute of it. I remember having a baby on a 1st. Lt's salary and how we had to split that money into more pieces but we were so in love that it didn't matter. Memories, sometimes they're a bitch. This is one of those times.
I'm still crying. Some are "Joy" tears and some are "pain" tears. Today, I miss Bob more than ever and I miss Matt. He's still here, but it's different. Way different.
~~ Rayne ~~