Oh Baby I Love Your Way

Oh Baby I Love Your Way

Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley - Will To Power

Shadows grow so long before my eyesAnd they're moving across the pageSuddenly the day turns into nightFar away from the city
But don't hesitate'Cause your love, your love won't wait ho-no-no
Ooh baby I love your way every dayOoh wanna tell you I love your way every dayOoh wanna be with you night and day
Hey yeahI love your way
If I leave here tomorrowWill you still remember meFor I must be traveling on nowThere's so many places I gotta see
But if I stayed here with you girlThings just wouldn't be the same'Cause I'm as free as a bird nowAnd this bird will never change,And this bird will never change...
Shadows grow so long before my eyesWith the help of some firefliesI wonder how they have the power to shineI can see them under the pines
But don't hesitate'Cause your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Every day nowOoh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day)I love your wayOoh baby I love your way ('cause I'm as free as a bird now)Give me you way, wanna tell you I love your way (A free as a bird now)Ooh baby I love your way
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day, every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day, oh-o)Ooh baby I love your way (night and day)



Another song. Why do these keep popping into my head? I love music and I love to sing, but this is different. It's almost like its a therapy. Strange that at just the perfect time, a perfect song will pop into the head and beg to be released.
Anyway, as I read through the lyrics I was actually amazed at how they spoke to me. Just the refrain alone has such profound meaning in my life. I LOVE Bob's way. I loved them in his lifetime and I have found that, in his death , I have come to appreciate his ways more than ever. Even the quirkiest of them. The dumb things like the incessant teasing and the messes that he left for me. The things I hated like being "trapped" between him and the counter as I washed dishes. The little piles of papers that he had all over and yes even the mounds and mounds of things he "packed" into our basement, and the toothpaste in the sink. What I wouldn't give to have his ways one more day. But then I know that I would want them to stay forever and ONE more day would never be long enough.

"If I leave here tomorrow,will you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now,there's so many places I gotta see" You did leave me and the question of whether I would rmember you is ridiculous. How could I NOT remember YOU? I want to know if YOU still remember ME? Do you remember the way I looked to you? The way I smelled? You always liked that! Do you remember the sweet looks we shared and holding my hand and rubbing my head and me burrying my head into your chest as you held me close and promised me everything would be alright? You do have many things to see now, and I do too. The things I see now have different meaning and different looks. I once saw the beauty in everything and now I have to almost search for that same beauty. The things you must be seeing are, I am sure, more beautiful that I can even imagine. In many ways I am so jealous, yet I know my job here is to continue to raise our family in YOUR WAYS and to search and find my happiness.

"But if I stayed here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same, 'cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird will never change, and this bird will never change... " You're right Honey. If you stayed with me, things wouldn't be the same. Your life here was a living hell the last 4 months. I knew it. I could see it in your eyes. You hated that trach and then when the feeding tube was inevitable....you really felt "sunk." All of a sudden you didn't want to go out and you had no desire to have anyone over here. You slept and existed and that was about it. I couldn't even interest you in the computer or a board game, both things you loved. The Simpson's came and went and you wouldn't even be interested in that. Sienfeld didn't even make you laugh. And though you often wanted to love on me, you didn't even have the strength to do that. A kiss was an effort. But you are free and you can now have your life again and be happy. You have the ultimate freedom and for that I am happy and thankful.

"Shadows grow so long before my eyes. With the help of some fireflies. I wonder how they have the power to shine?I can see them under the pines." I bet the shadows from heaven are long. And with your eyes, the brightest firefly must be the most awesome sight. As the nights get longer and the days shorter, I am reminded of how our life together was shortened and I am sad but happy. I couldn't have taken another day of having to see you in the state that you were in. The pain and agony that became a part of your everyday existence pierced my heart more than I can ever explain. So many times I told God that I wanted to change places with you. I wanted you to just be able to love life again. That wasn't His plan.. His plan was to make sure that He places before me, daily ways to acknowledge your presence and your ways. His plans were for you to be free. Truly FREE.

For you I am thankful. For you I love. For you I move on and find my happiness. That is what you would want. That is what you told me to do. Ooh Baby I love your ways, and I WILL be with you all my days. If only in thought and heart.
I Love you Honey. I honestly I love you. Thats another song for later!
~~ Rayne~~

Wine and Widows

I had a wonderful evening tonight with 5 more of the finest people ever! I enjoyed meeting Bob, Susan, Patty, Mike, and Myra. The wine,the widows and the food and fellowship were all first class. It was ironic that we were all within a few weeks of each other. Susan, our preceptor, was a perfect model of how life seems to progress a bit farther down the line.
Our experiment with the kids seemed to excel as well. All 6 kids were perfect angels and got along very well. They were well behaved and were a pleasure to be around. I think they were amazed that they were all going to be on the cruise together too. Susan, hop on board with us..there's still time to reserve.
Meeting people who are in the same situation as I am sure makes the pain of this so much easier to bear and I am grateful to have found the board and the support that it offers.
Wine and widows....a perfect combination!
~~ Rayne~~

Its 5 o'clock Somewhere!

I seem to be on a roll with these songs lately. Ahhhhhhh the old me, or is this the NEW me? No matter it IS me!!
It IS five o'clock somewhere...right here in my family room! I've bid my students a fond farewell for the weekend and today I was happy to do so. Most weekends I feel like I am sending them off to war and I worry about what they'll eat, whether they're clean and dry and what situations they may be exposed to over the weekend. Today, I am tired and I have a stomach ache, so I was actually happy to hear that 3:15 bell ring. "Good bye my kiddos, have a happy weekend!"
Now I am at home, relaxing with a perfect glass of cranberry juice and trying to experience a little let down. I've gone full speed ahead all week and I just feel like I need "me time." I have so much I should be doing....laundry, vaccuming, dusting and mopping the kitchen floor. But I am here now and have plans to just sit on the sofa and veg. Maybe I can catch up on some of my magazines, and study for the Praxis. This weekend's about catching up and relaxing a little.
I'm letting my hair down now and relaxing into what I hope will be a terrific weekend. Tomorrow I have another date with the widows. This should be fun. Twelve of us are going to converge on the Outback WITH our 15 kids and try to enjoy a little fellowship over dinner. If nothing else it will be interesting to see how all the kids get along.
Happy Friday.....Happy Weekend.....Happy Happy!!!
~~ Rayne~~

How Do You Like Me NOW?

How Do You Like Me NOW?
I think thats a country song. How does anyone like me now? I saw my financial planner 2 hours ago and he remarked at how good I looked. At the glow that I emitted. Tonight...right now, theres not a bit of radiance coming from this body. I am angry, hurt and I feel used.
My eldest son can take me to places I never thought I could go. He is the only one besides Bob that has ever been able to manipulate me in such a way. I have taken him back and taken him back, but tonight.....NOPE. I'm done. D-O-N-E I tell you. The lies and deceit have reached their final resting place with me. He has stolen my heart, my life and my money. What kind of kid steals from their own MOTHER? Thats just unmentionable. I would have never had the nerve to do such a thing. But Matt....he does. So, I was forced into my stark-raving-maniac persona and I gave him the what for in a huge way. When the witch gets in my eye...its OVER
Then I received my middle child's mid-term reports from college, and if my arms were rubber they'd be through this rinky dink phone and around Jonathon Taylor's NECK. Not that he's doing terrible...but he's not doing great either. He knows the consequence...either make A's, B's and C's or I won't pay a cent towards next semester's tuition and he won't go on the cruise next summer. A lot to lose for having very borderline grades. I lit the fire...lets see what happens now.
As for the youngest princess in the family, I have been saying the same thing to her for a week, "get that room CLEAN!" I go in there again today and once again....its a mess. I am tired of asking, begging, pleading. I just want to say it ONCE and have it done and done right. This has got to stop. I know that she is busy and that theres a lot to do and that homework is king and ballet is queen, but come on. So I went on a rampage about that.
Now that my house is completely in turmoil, am I happy? NO absolutely not. But I do feel a wee bit better that I was able to vent and get at least a few things done. It ridiculous that it has to come down to this and that I have to get to this level.I hate this place that I am in...I hate it.
So, how do you like me now? Hmmmmmm, How do I like me now? I DON'T.

Sometimes You Have To Fall To Rise

Another lesson to learn.....another hard fall to endure. We've all heard the cliches about falling and getting back up or in some cases rising again. Well, thats me tonight. More lessons learned, more falling down and more getting up. I hate these lessons. I hate learning the lesson till you've learned it well. At 43 I should have learned most of life's lessons. I haven't.
This lesson is the hardest....guard your heart. I know that but I guess its been so long that I haven't had to really think about it. Bob was the only one to have my heart for 25 years and remembering how to "give a little" but stay closely guarded is, for me, a lost art. And I can tell you that I have already failed the first lesson. But I have a few more lessons close by and I am a fast learner, thank goodness!
The thing that really stinks is that I SHOULD not have to be in this situation. I SHOULD NOT be guarding my heart and emotions...I should be celebrating my middle years with the man I love. But God had other plans. Do you think He feels I didn't learn this lesson well enough the first time around? Maybe He has more in store for me than I know about and He is preparing the way and setting the stage. Maybe it's ME.
My defense is always to turn to prayer and once again, "Dear God, do You hear me? It's me Rayne." Patiently and silently I wait for God's will and way. His time and His plan..... As this unfolds I hope that I will be given the grace and ability to LEARN the lesson and be done.
Dear God, I love you. It's me-------
~~Rayne~~

Let Down

So today is day two of a being back to the grind after Phoenix. Phoenix......ahhhhhhh Phoenix. It was magical.
I am still having fun remembering the great friends that I made and the great fun that we had. It's just as hard to leave them as it is to leave family after an extended visit. You know....you walk around dazed and in a fog wondering why they had to go and hating the empty feeling having let them go. But then again you know that you'll see them again andall will be well and happy.
School has been stressful these last two days. I kind of had a feeling it would be after taking Friday off and then coming in on a Monday tired and jet lagged. The kids were wound up and eager to hear all about my vacation. I was happy to tell them about it and then used it as an opener to ask about their weekend. We all agreed mine was better. One of my students however; had a weekend that ran a close second.....JAIL! thats right, this kiddo decided to run from the police who had suspicion that he might be selling drugs and that landed his booty right in the local Juvenile Justice Center! Now for as much fun as I had....I can't compare to that experience. Crazy kid.
Tonight the jet lag has hit and I am extremely tired. I think its time for a nice warm bath, warm jammies and a warm bed. If I can catch up on some rest...the weekend that is approaching will be another busy one filled with non other than WIDOWS! Look out Philly.....we're about to descend on the Outback!!

Valley of the Sun

I made it! I flew by myself, rented a car by myself and and slept in a hotel alone.....all FIRSTS! So strike up 3 points for me in the WIN column....3 more firsts for this widow!
Phoenix is beautiful. It's sunny and warm and I am thoroughly having a good time hanging out with friends that "get it." Its nice to not have to preface every word you say or explain every remark you make. My friends here just know what I mean. As has been the case frequently....I am the "earliest" one here. Funny how we all measure ourselves by how far we've come. Me at five and a half months, Kurt at 10 months, Lynn at 20 months and Tina at 3.9 years. There are others here too that fall somewhere in those lines. I guess you never do forget how long its been. The pain of it all just gets less intense.
First things first. I met up with my widow friend, Kurt, and we hit the grocery/liquor store on the way to the resort. After a quick wine choice and some cheese and crackers, we were off to the San Marcos Resort in Chandler. It's quite a beautiful place. The pool is fabulous, the room is clean and big and the service has been impeccable.
Dinner last night was fabulous. We ate at the Kokopelli Winery. I could have smashed grapes for my wine, but typically me, I settled for iced tea instead. The food was great. Of course after having not eaten all day, I might have been able to say that about any food. I chose the garlic chicken and smashed potatoes. YUMMY!
I hit the sack early last night, welllll......early for West Coast time, 11:30. For me it was really 2:30am!! Waaayyyyy past my bedtime for sure! I was up at 5:30 this morning and ready to get on the move! After a nice breakfast with friends, Kurt and I made a quick jaunt to Best Buy so that he could buy a GPS for the afternoon adventure, Geocaching !He found one of the caches that he had fun sharing with all of us. What a neat hobby! Thanks Kurt. Now you have half a dozen widows scrambling to the nearest Best Buy for the hand held GPS systems! After a quick trip to see the cache, Nancy and I made our way downtown and had a very nice lunch followed by a chat with a "fortune teller." That was very interesting....VERY. I'll divulge the reading when I see if she was a hoax or not. I have to wait just a bit to see how the "chips may fall." I'll just say if what she proclaimed is true in anyway...I have NO worries!!! Hmmmmmm.
Tonight was a wonderful dinner at a local Mexican restaraunt here in Chandler. The food was wonderful and the music was a perfect compliment to a fun evening with 24 of the best people I have ever met. After dinner most of us retreated to the hot tub and pool area for some wine and some more commeraderie. WOW! Twenty four people who had never met before in most cases talking and having fun as if we had known each other forever. What an awesome sight. The weekend was a blur, very much like the funeral. Seems like it came and went just as fast and the withdrawals are horrendous already. If every Bago is this way.....I might not be able to take too many of these emotionally.
So from Chandler, Arizona, I say good bye to friends that I may not see for a very long time but who mean the world to me in more ways than I can ever explain. Ever.
~~ Rayne~~

" I Hate You"

Wow did those words pierce my soul today! All beacuse I wouldn't let my 13 year old manipulate her way into staying with her friend this weekend.
I have planned this weekend and looked forward to this time since early July. Its a chance for me to get away and finally go and be "ME" for a change. Its a time for me to let my short hair down and relax with a group of widows and widowers who understand my feelings and really do "get it." My teenager has decided, on her terms, that maybe my plan isn't the right plan. So, in front of her friends father we had FALLOUT! Oh yeah...complete with tears and wailing and the whole bit. Did she really "think" that I was going to cave in at that point? Oh nooooooo...I was more determined than ever to stand my ground and make her obey the rule to a "T". Well after a minute or two Little Miss I-can-and-will-get-my-way, DIDN'T. Wanna know what sealed her fate? This little fatalistic statement....."I HATE YOU"
I know that it didnt carry much weight with her and that she didn' mean a letter of it, but, the anger that flew all over me made me as crazy as a loon. So she spent the afternoon in her room without the phone, cell or laptop and I intended for her to get back to reality and maybe to contemplate those piercing words.
Tonight she is back to her mostly sweet self and I can once again stand to be around her. Oh the perils of single parenthood...there's no where to go!
~~Rayne~~

Who You'd Be Today

by Alan Jackson
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
[Instrumental Break]
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.


I do wonder who you'd be today Honey. I wonder who I am today. Am I still the person you were so proud of? The woman you were proud to have as your wife? Have I become someone who you'd want to simply run away from? Some one you are ashamed of?
Tonight I feel calm and somewhat happy. I feel your presence here with me and I know that you are still so much a part of my life. I can and will move on so that I continue to make you happy and proud. Who are you? Who am I? Only time will tell. I'll always remember who you were to me and I will always love you for it. For time and eternity you'll always be mine. ALWAYS.

~~Rayne~~

The three hundred millionth American was born today. Happy Birthday to our newest little American!

Getting Better

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown
It's the truth...I am gonna get better and it's the truth that I am another day closer to the day I'll see Bob again. Today I try and move onward...bravley. Sometimes by the second, sometimes by the minute and sometimes by the hour, day or week. Each day is a new beginning and a new opportunity to start over. Please God, let me make the best of the day I have ahead.
Today is a gift...untie the ribbons!
~~ Rayne ~~

OMGimaWIDOW

10/14/06 OMGimaWIDOW
Oh My God...I'm A Widow! Did that thought just hit me today? I knew on May 4 that my life had taken a change and that officially I was no longer part of a couple but that society would now view me as a widow....a loner.
A loner...lonely...alone....seperate....apart....one...single. No matter how you say it, it's a horrible feeling. I hate it. I've always hated it but today for some reason, the pain of the word stings in a way that I haven't felt before. I've always been an extrovert....bubbly by nature...outgoing...friendly. I love people and have generally never met a stranger. But tonight I feel like a loner and I can't seem to pull away from the thought that forever is a long, long time. I don't know if I can be alone, but I know that I don't want anyone else either. If I can't have my husband back then I'd rather be a loner. He KNOWS me inside and out. He KNOWS how to love me, how to hold me, how to touch me, how to LOVE me. I don't want to have to adjust to another's touch, another's feel, another's kiss. I just want whats MINE. Can't anyone understand that?
Why did HE have to go? Everyday I see people cured from that damn disease yet my husband had to be ripped from my arms and from my kid's lives. Maybe God needed him more...maybe his work on earth ws done....doesn't God see that MY work with Bob was NOT done. We had plans and dreams that are LOST or maybe STOLEN is a better word. What am I supposed to do now? Live life in THIS state? I can't....I can't function like this. Today is the worst it's ever been.
I know this isn't what my babe would want for me. He wouldn't want me to be this miserable and this alone. I can hear his voice now whispering "come on ole girl, pick up the pieces and move towards our plans, the plans we talked about."
And so, "for you Babe, for YOU and for God and the kids, I'm not wallowing in this self pitty any more. I'm up and moving. Moving towards OUR goals and plans. I LOVE YOU...I swear I do."
Rayne

An Internal Affair

So here you have it...my sum of what I think grief is...at least for me.For me, grief is a a fight within. An internal affair of what life was and what life is now becoming. I struggle within to let go of what was and of what I had and turn to what is and what I want. And I find that at least for me, fighting with myself is no longer necessary, no longer wanted. What I want is to reclaim ME. To reclaim JOY. And to reclaim LIFE. Not for my family, but for ME, because if I can't fix ME first, then I can't begin to help fix anyone else.So I say ode to the old ways, to the old life, to the old ME and welcome to the newly created ME and the blessings that await me each day. I can never forget my precious Bob. And I will certainly never stop loving him or appreciaiting him and the uniqueness that he gave me and our children, but today I take that first bold step to become what he wanted me to be.....STRONG, FAITHFILLED, INDEPENDANT and COURAGEOUS."Make new 'memories' but Keep the old...some are silver and others gold"

New Windows

New windows! No not the operating system....the kind you look out of. But both are appropriate now that I think about it.
As I met with the representative this morning I decided that I needed new windows. One of the questions he asked me was whether I wanted panes or pane-less windows. That sent my mind into a blur! Panes or no panes I thought. Pains or no pains on my new windows?
Comparing my new windows for my house to my new windows on my soul, my life, I began to ask myself an important question. Why am I getting new windows? Well to answer that about my home it is because the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood is rotten. Now to compare that with my life,hmmm...the locks are broken, the weights are off and the wood (me) is rotten! Coincidence? Maybe....NOT.
Looking further into this window situation this is what I have observed:
My locks are broken. The physical locks on the windows that I am replacing are indeed broken or non-existent. The locks on my life, my soul are also either broken or non existent. The widows have often been flung open in hopes that all my pain and grief would somehow fly right out of them. In reality what I have found is that the screens were down and very little has really escaped. My efforts to "fling out" my grief were fruitless and so I have embraced it again and am now determined to fix the locks so that when the terrible parts of grieving are over I'll be able and equipped to lock them out once and for all.
The weights that long ago fell off my home's windows are lost deep down in the interior of the casings. I had once thought that replacement weights would fix the problem of keeping the windows open but learned that you can no longer purchase the weights very easily. This little inconvenience sent me running to the phone to call my friendly window replacement specialist. After all on beautiful fall days like this nothing feels better than to open the window and let the brisk air in to freshen the staleness of my home. Likewise, I found that the weights of Bob's illness are now gone and I can't find them no matter how far and wide I look. Equally, I can't replace those weights with ones that match. Thats impossible. So I've gone running to MY "window replacement specialist" and asked Him to fix the weights that I have. My window replacement specialist has a kind heart and broad shoulders and has offered unconditional replacements free for the asking. I asked that He fix the weights and He did even better...He removed them and gave me lighter weights to carry.
Now the rotten wood is a different story. When the specialist looked at that problem he promptly told me that the only fix for rotten wood was to completely tear it off and replace it with treated wood that would resist the rot but not completely eliminate the chance for return. He began to purge and prod the wood. He chipped and pulled at it and eventually he had a hole that gaped from the outside inward and nature had free access to my family room! Looking at the hole, I clearly saw the comparison to my life, to my soul. Here's the situation....I have so much rotten wood that I don't even know where to begin. I have bitterness, selfishness, jealousy, anger, and hostility. All pieces of wood that need to be purged and prodded. Pieces that desperatlely need to be chipped away and pulled apart. Without cleaning away the rotten wood, I can't make the repairs and fill the hole. My hole is deep and wide, but MY replacement specialist has promised complete repair and a promise of Eternity. Like the hole into my family room, MY hole also goes into His family room and I can tell you thats the ONLY family room I want to be in!
My windows are ordered and will be installed in 6 to 8 weeks. MY windows are ordered and the time frame is unclear for installation, but it's a project thats under construction!
How do your windows look?

Poderings

Ever get one those e mail forwards that just snags your attention and makes you muse? My darling "sister-in-love" sent this to me today, and though I've come across it many tmes before, it perforated my brain and gave me cause to want to share. For your ponderance I offer these:
Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Didn't want to leave you with that on your mind so I'll add this oldie but goodie.....
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? hmmmmmmm
Rayne