Oh Baby I Love Your Way

Oh Baby I Love Your Way

Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley - Will To Power

Shadows grow so long before my eyesAnd they're moving across the pageSuddenly the day turns into nightFar away from the city
But don't hesitate'Cause your love, your love won't wait ho-no-no
Ooh baby I love your way every dayOoh wanna tell you I love your way every dayOoh wanna be with you night and day
Hey yeahI love your way
If I leave here tomorrowWill you still remember meFor I must be traveling on nowThere's so many places I gotta see
But if I stayed here with you girlThings just wouldn't be the same'Cause I'm as free as a bird nowAnd this bird will never change,And this bird will never change...
Shadows grow so long before my eyesWith the help of some firefliesI wonder how they have the power to shineI can see them under the pines
But don't hesitate'Cause your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Every day nowOoh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day)I love your wayOoh baby I love your way ('cause I'm as free as a bird now)Give me you way, wanna tell you I love your way (A free as a bird now)Ooh baby I love your way
Ooh baby I love your way (every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day)Ooh baby I love your way (every day, every day)Ooh wanna tell you I love your way (night and day, night and day, oh-o)Ooh baby I love your way (night and day)



Another song. Why do these keep popping into my head? I love music and I love to sing, but this is different. It's almost like its a therapy. Strange that at just the perfect time, a perfect song will pop into the head and beg to be released.
Anyway, as I read through the lyrics I was actually amazed at how they spoke to me. Just the refrain alone has such profound meaning in my life. I LOVE Bob's way. I loved them in his lifetime and I have found that, in his death , I have come to appreciate his ways more than ever. Even the quirkiest of them. The dumb things like the incessant teasing and the messes that he left for me. The things I hated like being "trapped" between him and the counter as I washed dishes. The little piles of papers that he had all over and yes even the mounds and mounds of things he "packed" into our basement, and the toothpaste in the sink. What I wouldn't give to have his ways one more day. But then I know that I would want them to stay forever and ONE more day would never be long enough.

"If I leave here tomorrow,will you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now,there's so many places I gotta see" You did leave me and the question of whether I would rmember you is ridiculous. How could I NOT remember YOU? I want to know if YOU still remember ME? Do you remember the way I looked to you? The way I smelled? You always liked that! Do you remember the sweet looks we shared and holding my hand and rubbing my head and me burrying my head into your chest as you held me close and promised me everything would be alright? You do have many things to see now, and I do too. The things I see now have different meaning and different looks. I once saw the beauty in everything and now I have to almost search for that same beauty. The things you must be seeing are, I am sure, more beautiful that I can even imagine. In many ways I am so jealous, yet I know my job here is to continue to raise our family in YOUR WAYS and to search and find my happiness.

"But if I stayed here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same, 'cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird will never change, and this bird will never change... " You're right Honey. If you stayed with me, things wouldn't be the same. Your life here was a living hell the last 4 months. I knew it. I could see it in your eyes. You hated that trach and then when the feeding tube was inevitable....you really felt "sunk." All of a sudden you didn't want to go out and you had no desire to have anyone over here. You slept and existed and that was about it. I couldn't even interest you in the computer or a board game, both things you loved. The Simpson's came and went and you wouldn't even be interested in that. Sienfeld didn't even make you laugh. And though you often wanted to love on me, you didn't even have the strength to do that. A kiss was an effort. But you are free and you can now have your life again and be happy. You have the ultimate freedom and for that I am happy and thankful.

"Shadows grow so long before my eyes. With the help of some fireflies. I wonder how they have the power to shine?I can see them under the pines." I bet the shadows from heaven are long. And with your eyes, the brightest firefly must be the most awesome sight. As the nights get longer and the days shorter, I am reminded of how our life together was shortened and I am sad but happy. I couldn't have taken another day of having to see you in the state that you were in. The pain and agony that became a part of your everyday existence pierced my heart more than I can ever explain. So many times I told God that I wanted to change places with you. I wanted you to just be able to love life again. That wasn't His plan.. His plan was to make sure that He places before me, daily ways to acknowledge your presence and your ways. His plans were for you to be free. Truly FREE.

For you I am thankful. For you I love. For you I move on and find my happiness. That is what you would want. That is what you told me to do. Ooh Baby I love your ways, and I WILL be with you all my days. If only in thought and heart.
I Love you Honey. I honestly I love you. Thats another song for later!
~~ Rayne~~

Wine and Widows

I had a wonderful evening tonight with 5 more of the finest people ever! I enjoyed meeting Bob, Susan, Patty, Mike, and Myra. The wine,the widows and the food and fellowship were all first class. It was ironic that we were all within a few weeks of each other. Susan, our preceptor, was a perfect model of how life seems to progress a bit farther down the line.
Our experiment with the kids seemed to excel as well. All 6 kids were perfect angels and got along very well. They were well behaved and were a pleasure to be around. I think they were amazed that they were all going to be on the cruise together too. Susan, hop on board with us..there's still time to reserve.
Meeting people who are in the same situation as I am sure makes the pain of this so much easier to bear and I am grateful to have found the board and the support that it offers.
Wine and widows....a perfect combination!
~~ Rayne~~

Its 5 o'clock Somewhere!

I seem to be on a roll with these songs lately. Ahhhhhhh the old me, or is this the NEW me? No matter it IS me!!
It IS five o'clock somewhere...right here in my family room! I've bid my students a fond farewell for the weekend and today I was happy to do so. Most weekends I feel like I am sending them off to war and I worry about what they'll eat, whether they're clean and dry and what situations they may be exposed to over the weekend. Today, I am tired and I have a stomach ache, so I was actually happy to hear that 3:15 bell ring. "Good bye my kiddos, have a happy weekend!"
Now I am at home, relaxing with a perfect glass of cranberry juice and trying to experience a little let down. I've gone full speed ahead all week and I just feel like I need "me time." I have so much I should be doing....laundry, vaccuming, dusting and mopping the kitchen floor. But I am here now and have plans to just sit on the sofa and veg. Maybe I can catch up on some of my magazines, and study for the Praxis. This weekend's about catching up and relaxing a little.
I'm letting my hair down now and relaxing into what I hope will be a terrific weekend. Tomorrow I have another date with the widows. This should be fun. Twelve of us are going to converge on the Outback WITH our 15 kids and try to enjoy a little fellowship over dinner. If nothing else it will be interesting to see how all the kids get along.
Happy Friday.....Happy Weekend.....Happy Happy!!!
~~ Rayne~~

How Do You Like Me NOW?

How Do You Like Me NOW?
I think thats a country song. How does anyone like me now? I saw my financial planner 2 hours ago and he remarked at how good I looked. At the glow that I emitted. Tonight...right now, theres not a bit of radiance coming from this body. I am angry, hurt and I feel used.
My eldest son can take me to places I never thought I could go. He is the only one besides Bob that has ever been able to manipulate me in such a way. I have taken him back and taken him back, but tonight.....NOPE. I'm done. D-O-N-E I tell you. The lies and deceit have reached their final resting place with me. He has stolen my heart, my life and my money. What kind of kid steals from their own MOTHER? Thats just unmentionable. I would have never had the nerve to do such a thing. But Matt....he does. So, I was forced into my stark-raving-maniac persona and I gave him the what for in a huge way. When the witch gets in my eye...its OVER
Then I received my middle child's mid-term reports from college, and if my arms were rubber they'd be through this rinky dink phone and around Jonathon Taylor's NECK. Not that he's doing terrible...but he's not doing great either. He knows the consequence...either make A's, B's and C's or I won't pay a cent towards next semester's tuition and he won't go on the cruise next summer. A lot to lose for having very borderline grades. I lit the fire...lets see what happens now.
As for the youngest princess in the family, I have been saying the same thing to her for a week, "get that room CLEAN!" I go in there again today and once again....its a mess. I am tired of asking, begging, pleading. I just want to say it ONCE and have it done and done right. This has got to stop. I know that she is busy and that theres a lot to do and that homework is king and ballet is queen, but come on. So I went on a rampage about that.
Now that my house is completely in turmoil, am I happy? NO absolutely not. But I do feel a wee bit better that I was able to vent and get at least a few things done. It ridiculous that it has to come down to this and that I have to get to this level.I hate this place that I am in...I hate it.
So, how do you like me now? Hmmmmmm, How do I like me now? I DON'T.

Sometimes You Have To Fall To Rise

Another lesson to learn.....another hard fall to endure. We've all heard the cliches about falling and getting back up or in some cases rising again. Well, thats me tonight. More lessons learned, more falling down and more getting up. I hate these lessons. I hate learning the lesson till you've learned it well. At 43 I should have learned most of life's lessons. I haven't.
This lesson is the hardest....guard your heart. I know that but I guess its been so long that I haven't had to really think about it. Bob was the only one to have my heart for 25 years and remembering how to "give a little" but stay closely guarded is, for me, a lost art. And I can tell you that I have already failed the first lesson. But I have a few more lessons close by and I am a fast learner, thank goodness!
The thing that really stinks is that I SHOULD not have to be in this situation. I SHOULD NOT be guarding my heart and emotions...I should be celebrating my middle years with the man I love. But God had other plans. Do you think He feels I didn't learn this lesson well enough the first time around? Maybe He has more in store for me than I know about and He is preparing the way and setting the stage. Maybe it's ME.
My defense is always to turn to prayer and once again, "Dear God, do You hear me? It's me Rayne." Patiently and silently I wait for God's will and way. His time and His plan..... As this unfolds I hope that I will be given the grace and ability to LEARN the lesson and be done.
Dear God, I love you. It's me-------
~~Rayne~~

Let Down

So today is day two of a being back to the grind after Phoenix. Phoenix......ahhhhhhh Phoenix. It was magical.
I am still having fun remembering the great friends that I made and the great fun that we had. It's just as hard to leave them as it is to leave family after an extended visit. You know....you walk around dazed and in a fog wondering why they had to go and hating the empty feeling having let them go. But then again you know that you'll see them again andall will be well and happy.
School has been stressful these last two days. I kind of had a feeling it would be after taking Friday off and then coming in on a Monday tired and jet lagged. The kids were wound up and eager to hear all about my vacation. I was happy to tell them about it and then used it as an opener to ask about their weekend. We all agreed mine was better. One of my students however; had a weekend that ran a close second.....JAIL! thats right, this kiddo decided to run from the police who had suspicion that he might be selling drugs and that landed his booty right in the local Juvenile Justice Center! Now for as much fun as I had....I can't compare to that experience. Crazy kid.
Tonight the jet lag has hit and I am extremely tired. I think its time for a nice warm bath, warm jammies and a warm bed. If I can catch up on some rest...the weekend that is approaching will be another busy one filled with non other than WIDOWS! Look out Philly.....we're about to descend on the Outback!!

Valley of the Sun

I made it! I flew by myself, rented a car by myself and and slept in a hotel alone.....all FIRSTS! So strike up 3 points for me in the WIN column....3 more firsts for this widow!
Phoenix is beautiful. It's sunny and warm and I am thoroughly having a good time hanging out with friends that "get it." Its nice to not have to preface every word you say or explain every remark you make. My friends here just know what I mean. As has been the case frequently....I am the "earliest" one here. Funny how we all measure ourselves by how far we've come. Me at five and a half months, Kurt at 10 months, Lynn at 20 months and Tina at 3.9 years. There are others here too that fall somewhere in those lines. I guess you never do forget how long its been. The pain of it all just gets less intense.
First things first. I met up with my widow friend, Kurt, and we hit the grocery/liquor store on the way to the resort. After a quick wine choice and some cheese and crackers, we were off to the San Marcos Resort in Chandler. It's quite a beautiful place. The pool is fabulous, the room is clean and big and the service has been impeccable.
Dinner last night was fabulous. We ate at the Kokopelli Winery. I could have smashed grapes for my wine, but typically me, I settled for iced tea instead. The food was great. Of course after having not eaten all day, I might have been able to say that about any food. I chose the garlic chicken and smashed potatoes. YUMMY!
I hit the sack early last night, welllll......early for West Coast time, 11:30. For me it was really 2:30am!! Waaayyyyy past my bedtime for sure! I was up at 5:30 this morning and ready to get on the move! After a nice breakfast with friends, Kurt and I made a quick jaunt to Best Buy so that he could buy a GPS for the afternoon adventure, Geocaching !He found one of the caches that he had fun sharing with all of us. What a neat hobby! Thanks Kurt. Now you have half a dozen widows scrambling to the nearest Best Buy for the hand held GPS systems! After a quick trip to see the cache, Nancy and I made our way downtown and had a very nice lunch followed by a chat with a "fortune teller." That was very interesting....VERY. I'll divulge the reading when I see if she was a hoax or not. I have to wait just a bit to see how the "chips may fall." I'll just say if what she proclaimed is true in anyway...I have NO worries!!! Hmmmmmm.
Tonight was a wonderful dinner at a local Mexican restaraunt here in Chandler. The food was wonderful and the music was a perfect compliment to a fun evening with 24 of the best people I have ever met. After dinner most of us retreated to the hot tub and pool area for some wine and some more commeraderie. WOW! Twenty four people who had never met before in most cases talking and having fun as if we had known each other forever. What an awesome sight. The weekend was a blur, very much like the funeral. Seems like it came and went just as fast and the withdrawals are horrendous already. If every Bago is this way.....I might not be able to take too many of these emotionally.
So from Chandler, Arizona, I say good bye to friends that I may not see for a very long time but who mean the world to me in more ways than I can ever explain. Ever.
~~ Rayne~~