I have intended to update for 15 days! It was one of my New Years resolutions just like dieting and exercise and reading more and relaxing more was.....operative word there is... WAS. Right now I need to put the refrigerated food away, and begin the afternoon carpool session, so as usual.....my blogging must be put away for another time...another time SOON. I promise.
~~Rayne
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Strength, Courage and Confidence
Eleanor Roosevelt:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
How powerful is that? It surely spoke volumes to me. When I REALLY stop to look fear in the face, I realize that I can overcome every fear with courage, strength and confidence. Kinda reminds me of the story of the Little Engine that Could. Remember him? He went around saying "ithink I can , I think I can," and before he knew it HE COULD! Sometimes we all have to get back to those childhood nursery rhymes to find that courage which our parents instilled in us as young children. I actually like to visit those corners of my memory. There is comfort there.
Similarly, I gain so much confidence and courage and strength from a conversation Bob and I had several months before his death in which I said "Honey, I don't know how I'll ever live without you." and Bob replied without a moments hesitation, " You'll be fine because of your faith and because you are the strongest woman I know." Now how on earth do I even go one minute without being strong and faithfilled and determined? When your spouse and the only man you've ever loved says that, you're in it lock, stock and barrel !
I suspect that Eleanor Roosevelt had quite a distinguished life, but most definately had some tragedies in her life whereby she clung to her thought hard and fast. Being the wife of a high level Army Ofiicer was challenging and required a lot emotion from me. I can't even imagine what being the wife of our country's president must have been like. If I ever had one bad day where I felt like throwing in the towel or throwing my hands up and yelling "forget it," then she had 10. And yet she faced her challenges with grace, honor and diplomacy and in a real ladylike manner. I want to be like her. I want to be remembered by all who know me as a woman who stood by her man, who loved life and exemplified grace, honor and diginity. I want to be the woman who was fair and honest and kind. I want to be a woman who is loved and who always sets the example to do what is right whether I like it or not. I want to be a woman who loved herself enough to lay aside her selfishness and often her vindictiveness to forgive and forget.
If I can live but one day and gain but a thimble full of courage, strength and confidence from such a great role model, then I feel well equipped to carry on and make the best of myself.
Let us not forget those who walked these paths before us and gave us such wise words and so much to model life around. May I always remember to look fear in the face and never be afraid to call on the courage, confidence and strength that comes from that. God bless Eleanor Roosevelt and God bless us all.
~~ Rayne ~~
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
How powerful is that? It surely spoke volumes to me. When I REALLY stop to look fear in the face, I realize that I can overcome every fear with courage, strength and confidence. Kinda reminds me of the story of the Little Engine that Could. Remember him? He went around saying "ithink I can , I think I can," and before he knew it HE COULD! Sometimes we all have to get back to those childhood nursery rhymes to find that courage which our parents instilled in us as young children. I actually like to visit those corners of my memory. There is comfort there.
Similarly, I gain so much confidence and courage and strength from a conversation Bob and I had several months before his death in which I said "Honey, I don't know how I'll ever live without you." and Bob replied without a moments hesitation, " You'll be fine because of your faith and because you are the strongest woman I know." Now how on earth do I even go one minute without being strong and faithfilled and determined? When your spouse and the only man you've ever loved says that, you're in it lock, stock and barrel !
I suspect that Eleanor Roosevelt had quite a distinguished life, but most definately had some tragedies in her life whereby she clung to her thought hard and fast. Being the wife of a high level Army Ofiicer was challenging and required a lot emotion from me. I can't even imagine what being the wife of our country's president must have been like. If I ever had one bad day where I felt like throwing in the towel or throwing my hands up and yelling "forget it," then she had 10. And yet she faced her challenges with grace, honor and diplomacy and in a real ladylike manner. I want to be like her. I want to be remembered by all who know me as a woman who stood by her man, who loved life and exemplified grace, honor and diginity. I want to be the woman who was fair and honest and kind. I want to be a woman who is loved and who always sets the example to do what is right whether I like it or not. I want to be a woman who loved herself enough to lay aside her selfishness and often her vindictiveness to forgive and forget.
If I can live but one day and gain but a thimble full of courage, strength and confidence from such a great role model, then I feel well equipped to carry on and make the best of myself.
Let us not forget those who walked these paths before us and gave us such wise words and so much to model life around. May I always remember to look fear in the face and never be afraid to call on the courage, confidence and strength that comes from that. God bless Eleanor Roosevelt and God bless us all.
~~ Rayne ~~
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
The Christmas Letter for 2006
All of you should get one in your card, but just in case I forget someone, here it is!
Merry Christmas!
~~ Rayne ~~
The Cendrowski Family
Christmas 2006
Dear friends and family,
I always start my letters with our family’s greatest gift and this year is no different. Our greatest gift this year brings us much sadness and much joy. Our greatest gift this year is our very special and precious Guardian Angel Bob.
Our Bob is spending his first Christmas WITH Jesus and what can be so bad about that except that we are not with him. Bob’s long and arduous fight with Hodgkins Lymphoma ended on May 4th when Jesus brought him home to be with him. I have to tell you that I believe that Bob was as pain free and comfortable as he could be and that he passed peacefully in Pennsylvania Hospital. We had discussed this time in great detail and it was more comfortable for him and me that he be in the hospital rather than at home and his desire was that we all not be around when the actual “homecoming” occurred and so all of his wishes were met. There are NO words that can convey how our loss has affected us but we continue on our life’s journey charged with the fact that Bob has once again gone to our next home before us to get ready for our arrival one day. We feel no less connected to him or a part of him; he’s just not in a place where we can now communicate. This doesn’t mean we don’t talk to him or make him a part of our days adventures. We miss and love him very mush but we are LIVING.
Jordan is 13 and in the eighth grade! Hard to believe that she is taller than I and that she has turned into a beautiful young lady. She is president of our school’s student council and once again is making great grades. Now in her 5th season of The Nutcracker, she is still an avid ballerina who passed her first PROFESSIONAL EXAM in the Cecchetti method of ballet. Additionally, she is a member of the Honors Choir and is also in the all school chorus . Her plans are to audition for the All School Play in the spring. We hear it is going to be Annie this year! I couldn’t be prouder to have such a smart, talented and beautiful daughter and I know she makes her Daddy proud as well.
Jonathon is 18 and a FRESHMAN at Andrew College in western Georgia. He loves it and is doing well with all the pressures of being away from home, grieving, and adjusting to college and its demands. He came home for Thanksgiving and will return in about 2 weeks for a long winter break. He is majoring in Physical Education and hopes to teach in a high school environment and coach golf…his first love. I am extremely proud of him and happy that he has taken up the challenge to further his education and I know his dad is also.
Matthew is 22. No that’s not a typo! Matt finished 3 years at our local community college but hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up!! As a result he has decided to follow his dad’s footsteps and join the military. Tell me his dad isn’t boasting with pride!
Matt leaves for Parris Island on January 17 and will spend 12 grueling weeks in the US MARINE Boot camp. Afterwards he will go to AOI and will be trained to be a journalist or paralegal. Once he attains the rank of E-4 (about 2 years) he will finish college and then continue in the Marines as a 1st Lieutenant. Not a bad plan of action for a young man who wants to figure out his life’s path. He is excited and after the initial shock of it, I am thrilled for him too. Please keep him in your prayers as he embarks on his new journey.
I am still teaching full time at our township middle school. I took a leave of absence last spring to take care of Bob, but was right back at it 5 weeks after his death. I’m not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have always felt like the speed of the leader is the speed of the pack and I needed to set the example for the kids and other family members who are comforted to know that we are okay. I am very involved in an online support group for young widows and have enjoyed meeting faces of my friends at various “Widowbagoes” around the country. I traveled to Phoenix in October and will meet up with nearly 100 widows in January in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s great to have friends who “get it.” I am still am the resident Taxi driver and Chief Chef and I even get to put in a quite a few hours as Bookkeeper and housekeeper. Do I sleep? Very little!
Our wish for you all this year is very simple and honest. We hope that your lives will be filled with love, joy, good health and peace and that you will not ever forget to hug and kiss those that you love and care about. Life is a very precious gift that should never be taken for granted. We love you all and think of you and pray for you daily. Happy holidays from our family to yours.
With Love,
Laurayne, Matt, Jon , Jordie and Angel Bob
Merry Christmas!
~~ Rayne ~~
The Cendrowski Family
Christmas 2006
Dear friends and family,
I always start my letters with our family’s greatest gift and this year is no different. Our greatest gift this year brings us much sadness and much joy. Our greatest gift this year is our very special and precious Guardian Angel Bob.
Our Bob is spending his first Christmas WITH Jesus and what can be so bad about that except that we are not with him. Bob’s long and arduous fight with Hodgkins Lymphoma ended on May 4th when Jesus brought him home to be with him. I have to tell you that I believe that Bob was as pain free and comfortable as he could be and that he passed peacefully in Pennsylvania Hospital. We had discussed this time in great detail and it was more comfortable for him and me that he be in the hospital rather than at home and his desire was that we all not be around when the actual “homecoming” occurred and so all of his wishes were met. There are NO words that can convey how our loss has affected us but we continue on our life’s journey charged with the fact that Bob has once again gone to our next home before us to get ready for our arrival one day. We feel no less connected to him or a part of him; he’s just not in a place where we can now communicate. This doesn’t mean we don’t talk to him or make him a part of our days adventures. We miss and love him very mush but we are LIVING.
Jordan is 13 and in the eighth grade! Hard to believe that she is taller than I and that she has turned into a beautiful young lady. She is president of our school’s student council and once again is making great grades. Now in her 5th season of The Nutcracker, she is still an avid ballerina who passed her first PROFESSIONAL EXAM in the Cecchetti method of ballet. Additionally, she is a member of the Honors Choir and is also in the all school chorus . Her plans are to audition for the All School Play in the spring. We hear it is going to be Annie this year! I couldn’t be prouder to have such a smart, talented and beautiful daughter and I know she makes her Daddy proud as well.
Jonathon is 18 and a FRESHMAN at Andrew College in western Georgia. He loves it and is doing well with all the pressures of being away from home, grieving, and adjusting to college and its demands. He came home for Thanksgiving and will return in about 2 weeks for a long winter break. He is majoring in Physical Education and hopes to teach in a high school environment and coach golf…his first love. I am extremely proud of him and happy that he has taken up the challenge to further his education and I know his dad is also.
Matthew is 22. No that’s not a typo! Matt finished 3 years at our local community college but hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up!! As a result he has decided to follow his dad’s footsteps and join the military. Tell me his dad isn’t boasting with pride!
Matt leaves for Parris Island on January 17 and will spend 12 grueling weeks in the US MARINE Boot camp. Afterwards he will go to AOI and will be trained to be a journalist or paralegal. Once he attains the rank of E-4 (about 2 years) he will finish college and then continue in the Marines as a 1st Lieutenant. Not a bad plan of action for a young man who wants to figure out his life’s path. He is excited and after the initial shock of it, I am thrilled for him too. Please keep him in your prayers as he embarks on his new journey.
I am still teaching full time at our township middle school. I took a leave of absence last spring to take care of Bob, but was right back at it 5 weeks after his death. I’m not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have always felt like the speed of the leader is the speed of the pack and I needed to set the example for the kids and other family members who are comforted to know that we are okay. I am very involved in an online support group for young widows and have enjoyed meeting faces of my friends at various “Widowbagoes” around the country. I traveled to Phoenix in October and will meet up with nearly 100 widows in January in Ft. Lauderdale. It’s great to have friends who “get it.” I am still am the resident Taxi driver and Chief Chef and I even get to put in a quite a few hours as Bookkeeper and housekeeper. Do I sleep? Very little!
Our wish for you all this year is very simple and honest. We hope that your lives will be filled with love, joy, good health and peace and that you will not ever forget to hug and kiss those that you love and care about. Life is a very precious gift that should never be taken for granted. We love you all and think of you and pray for you daily. Happy holidays from our family to yours.
With Love,
Laurayne, Matt, Jon , Jordie and Angel Bob
Monday, December 4, 2006
"In Life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us." ~ Anne from the Hodgkins Board
What could be more true than that! These last two years so much has happened around me. I just discovered that I actually missed an entire year of life. Not that I wouldn't trade it all to have Bob back. I would in a heart beat. I think everyone knows that. I miss my husband soooo much. This season makes it difficult to focus on much besides the fact that Bob isn't here. He was so proud of our home all the time but especially at Christmas. The more I'd decorate, the more he loved it. Christmas was the only time of year when he didn't care if I spent money to decorate, in fact he encouraged it!
Things happend TO me also. I became another year older, I lost and gained weight due to stress, I spent 30 days in the hospital beside Bob's side, I went on a medical leave of absence to care for Bob,I became and aunt again to my precious baby nephew, Hunter Gabriel and I became a WIDOW and SINGLE PARENT. Sosme were fun things and others were terrible.
I'm no worse for wear though. I'm strong, happy, adjusted and above all more faithful today than ever before. This doesn't mean that EVERY day is a bed of roses...quite the contrary. I have emotionally low days. I cry. In fact I wail. I have memories and those fun, good times pop into my head and make me bittersweet often. I am human. But as the months tick away....I'm at 7 today, those terrible days become farther apart and easier to face. It's true.
So within me I think I can feel good. I am healthy. I am strong. I am independant. I am loved and I am really over all happy. I have crossed apths with people along the way who have helped me in my journey and for them I am thankful. I have crossed paths with people who through all of this have added to the hurt and I have to accept that hurt, mend my wounds and move on knowing that even that can't beat me down. The old addage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true. I am a stronger, better person for enduring that pain and moving on
anyway. There are a lot of things that people might say and do but to hold my children against me is not cool.
I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept that and accept me and who love me despite it.
I am woman hear me roar!
~~ Rayne~~
What could be more true than that! These last two years so much has happened around me. I just discovered that I actually missed an entire year of life. Not that I wouldn't trade it all to have Bob back. I would in a heart beat. I think everyone knows that. I miss my husband soooo much. This season makes it difficult to focus on much besides the fact that Bob isn't here. He was so proud of our home all the time but especially at Christmas. The more I'd decorate, the more he loved it. Christmas was the only time of year when he didn't care if I spent money to decorate, in fact he encouraged it!
Things happend TO me also. I became another year older, I lost and gained weight due to stress, I spent 30 days in the hospital beside Bob's side, I went on a medical leave of absence to care for Bob,I became and aunt again to my precious baby nephew, Hunter Gabriel and I became a WIDOW and SINGLE PARENT. Sosme were fun things and others were terrible.
I'm no worse for wear though. I'm strong, happy, adjusted and above all more faithful today than ever before. This doesn't mean that EVERY day is a bed of roses...quite the contrary. I have emotionally low days. I cry. In fact I wail. I have memories and those fun, good times pop into my head and make me bittersweet often. I am human. But as the months tick away....I'm at 7 today, those terrible days become farther apart and easier to face. It's true.
So within me I think I can feel good. I am healthy. I am strong. I am independant. I am loved and I am really over all happy. I have crossed apths with people along the way who have helped me in my journey and for them I am thankful. I have crossed paths with people who through all of this have added to the hurt and I have to accept that hurt, mend my wounds and move on knowing that even that can't beat me down. The old addage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is so true. I am a stronger, better person for enduring that pain and moving on
anyway. There are a lot of things that people might say and do but to hold my children against me is not cool.
I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept that and accept me and who love me despite it.
I am woman hear me roar!
~~ Rayne~~
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Courage
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow" ~ Dan Rather
This was a quote that I had plastered all over the hospital walls as a means of encouragement for Bob. I never thought then that I would be the one learing it's lesson. But it's funny how life has a way of placing us in places we have no idea about.. Here I am now reading this quote and finding a lot of encouragement from it.
I've mustered up more courage in the last nearly 31 months than I ever thought I possessed. At first it was the courage to accept Bob's diagnosis and plod forward with deadly amounts of chemotherapy and radiation. Then it became the courage to to take care of Bob through his stem cell transplant and eventually the courage to learn the ins and outs of tracheostomy and feeding tube care. Finally in May, I was faced with the reality of Bob's death and I was once again knocking on Courage's door to accept and deal with grief and the death of my best friend and life partner. Through it all I was blessed with healthy amounts of courage and faith.
This past week I found myself looking for courage in a very different manner. I sought out courage to take and pass the national certification exam that now labels me as being Highly Qualified. After a very rocky start, I was able to complete the exam in record time, just over 1 hour! The preliminary result that the computer kicks out is that I passed very well but, until the little piece of paper is in my maibox, I won't fully believe it!
Courage has become my new way of life and because of my courage and my faith, I am equipped and able to march forward proudly.
~~ Rayne ~~
This was a quote that I had plastered all over the hospital walls as a means of encouragement for Bob. I never thought then that I would be the one learing it's lesson. But it's funny how life has a way of placing us in places we have no idea about.. Here I am now reading this quote and finding a lot of encouragement from it.
I've mustered up more courage in the last nearly 31 months than I ever thought I possessed. At first it was the courage to accept Bob's diagnosis and plod forward with deadly amounts of chemotherapy and radiation. Then it became the courage to to take care of Bob through his stem cell transplant and eventually the courage to learn the ins and outs of tracheostomy and feeding tube care. Finally in May, I was faced with the reality of Bob's death and I was once again knocking on Courage's door to accept and deal with grief and the death of my best friend and life partner. Through it all I was blessed with healthy amounts of courage and faith.
This past week I found myself looking for courage in a very different manner. I sought out courage to take and pass the national certification exam that now labels me as being Highly Qualified. After a very rocky start, I was able to complete the exam in record time, just over 1 hour! The preliminary result that the computer kicks out is that I passed very well but, until the little piece of paper is in my maibox, I won't fully believe it!
Courage has become my new way of life and because of my courage and my faith, I am equipped and able to march forward proudly.
~~ Rayne ~~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
I am Thankful For.....
Today is the day that our country sets aside to celebrate and meditate on the things one is thankful for. As I began to think about all of this years blessings in my life I felt a distinct combination of happy and sad feelings deep within my heart.
So this evening I have compiled a list of my most grateful blessings.
1. My health and the health of my kids
2. 23 years with my husband
3. My faith
4. My home
5. My parents and parents-in-law
6. My siblings
7. The doctors and nurses who took care of Bob
8. My job
9. My friends
10. The Young Widow Bulletin Board and the wonderful friends I have met via YWBB
11. The ability to love and to be loved
12. Honesty and Integrity
13. God's most grateful and richest blessings
As this Thanksgiving closes in, I am thankful for so many things but I am also painfully aware of Bob's absence. The dinner table just asn't the same without Bob there scarfing up everyone's leftovers and making all the wierd little noises that he was so well known for.
It's true that time has a way of making the pain seem more tolerable, but the memories are sometimes the parts that are hardest to deal with.
Time can heal but memories last forever. I love you Honey and you will be FOREVER in my heart. Happy first Thanksgiving in Heaven.
~ Rayne ~
So this evening I have compiled a list of my most grateful blessings.
1. My health and the health of my kids
2. 23 years with my husband
3. My faith
4. My home
5. My parents and parents-in-law
6. My siblings
7. The doctors and nurses who took care of Bob
8. My job
9. My friends
10. The Young Widow Bulletin Board and the wonderful friends I have met via YWBB
11. The ability to love and to be loved
12. Honesty and Integrity
13. God's most grateful and richest blessings
As this Thanksgiving closes in, I am thankful for so many things but I am also painfully aware of Bob's absence. The dinner table just asn't the same without Bob there scarfing up everyone's leftovers and making all the wierd little noises that he was so well known for.
It's true that time has a way of making the pain seem more tolerable, but the memories are sometimes the parts that are hardest to deal with.
Time can heal but memories last forever. I love you Honey and you will be FOREVER in my heart. Happy first Thanksgiving in Heaven.
~ Rayne ~
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Random Thoughts
This past week has been a sort of catch up week for me. Nothing in particular has happened that was worth really writing about. At least nothing that would make you smile. Last night changed it all though!
Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.
Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!
Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.
His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"
I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.
~~ Rayne ~~
Jonathon came home from college! I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I was so excited to pick him up and hug him. He looks the same. Maybe he added a few pounds but thats normal for freshmen, they have to acclimate to the new ways of eating. Other than that he's my Jon Jon. Funny that we ALL were so happy to have him come home. Now, don't think for one minute that he stayed very long. He ate dinner, spent about an hour with us and then was out and running with his friends and an overnight at his buddy's dorm at Rowan.
Today is the Cendrowski Thanksgiving. Bob's mom and dad are having their dinner with us today since we will be with my family on Thursday. Bob's aunt and uncle from Scranton will also be there so the crowd should be large enough to afford us the oppertunity to converse about interesting subjects. I feel very fortunate to have a good relationship with Bob's family. So many lose that part of the puzzle upon their spouse's death and yet I feel it is so important and necessary. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening and to the food!
Perhaps it's the time of year or the time of month or just the time period, but I have been very weepy about Bob this week. I wouldn't say that I have been feeling "lonely," but I have really missed him. I've missed his voice, his hug, his kiss and his smell. As I raked leaves in our yard this week I talked to Bob and asked him so many questions.
His whole death has crept up on me and I find myself wondering now if I did the right thing. If he laid there trapped in a dying body wanting to yell "Do something damnit!" or if he laid there thinking to himself "why is my wife letting this happen? Does she love me or is she content to let me go?" How do I answer any of these questions in my head? In retrospect, I look at all those questions and I have the same answers today that I had in May. Is that a good thing? I so tried to look at the whole situation in a very humanistic way. I tried to put myself in Bob's shoes and do for him what I would want done coupled with what he wanted done. He looked so despairing and so tired to me. His eyes just had that look of "I can't go on" and I was certain that that was how he felt too. Often we had spoken of the time when he would be "done" and not want to do this anymore and I felt that this was "that time." The remark on that Monday as we trekked off to the doctor "you don't think I'm gonna come home do you?" and when I shrugged my shoulders the "there's always hope." That one remark hits me in the gut everytime. He had hope but did I? Did I lose my hope along the way? Did I do all I could? When the doctor told me the inevitable news....why did I just accept it? Why didn't I push for one last miracle? Was it in the name of dignity? Was it selfish reasons of being tired? I don't know. Perhaps it was a healthy mix of all of it. I can only hope that as Bob made his way to heaven, he was able to look back down at me and say "Well done my good and faithful wife, well done"
I just want to hear Bob tell me that I was right, that I did the right thing. I need that validation and that question answered and unfortunately in this game...you never get that answer. So I go on and I frequently contemplate those questions and I search within for the answers and until I see my sweetheart face to face again, I'll have those hauntings, but I'll hopefully be able to put space between them.....lots of space.
~~ Rayne ~~
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